Dear Journal
by PetPetAngel
Summary: The new boy, Johnny just seems to be making everyone happy, especially Rab, who... What this, has a crush? But behind the blue shadowed eyes and the happy smile, what dark secrets is Johnny hiding?
1. DJ: I Feel Faint

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PetPetAngel: Hey all ya'll! How yous all doin'! Hope you all like this!

Trespasser: Who doesn't, you have, like a million reviews!

PetPetAngel: Not Anymore I don't.

Trespasser: Yes!

PetPetAngel: (hits him)

Trespasser: (takes out sniper rifle)

Rab and Johnny: Scroll down the page before it gets ugly.

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Disclaimer: I do not own _Johnny Tremain._

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Warnings: Yaoi/Slash/Shounen-ai, (though that ain't much of a warning) Violence and Abuse in later chapters.**_ Lime in this chapter!_**

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Dear Journal

Written by:

PetPetAngel

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Fic Type: Multiple chapter story with some Songs stuck in.

Rating: Rated T

Dedication: Rikusgurl, Yaoi Rox Me Sox, and Peaches

Pairing: Johnny x Rab

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Key

"Blah"

_Blah_ - Emphasis, Dream, or Flashback

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Date: July 2, 2004

Rab Cogan

Entry: One

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Dear Journal,

It's almost July fourth! I really can't believe it! Almost another year and another anniversary of being a free people, a free nation away from Britain. I've always been fascinated by our declaration of independence. It's so surprising to me that people gave up their lives for what is now taken for granted! Such an enlightenment! Men like Paul Revere, Adams, James Otis...

And Johnny Tremain.

He's not well known, and many people don't even know what he looks like, but he was quite influential. And then, of course, there was Johnny's good friend Rab. The Deja Vu is kind of creepy. Why am I telling you this? Because I'd like to write this stuff down in hopes of someone finding it years from now. Not very likely, but, still a nice thought.

There's a new kid coming to school named Johnny. I look forward to meeting him, though I am concerned about him being a snobby brat that I won't be able to tolerate. But, for some reason, this feeling inside me says that he's not going to be at all like that, rather, my heart tells me that he'll be a nice, kind boy. Though I don't know why my heart says this when I've never met him.

But I feel like I _have_.

As a relatively popular boy, at least will all the girls, I should be able to get this new boy, Johnny, to fit in quite well. But, first, I'll see tomorrow his performance. It's like a talent show, it happens all the time. It's not in his honor or anything, just, he came at the perfect time. I've always said that you call tell what a person is like by their eyes, and the kind of music they listen to.

Well, I'm gonna head to bed, see ya tomorrow.

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Rab's POV

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Another long, boring day at school. But I am looking forward to meeting the new student, and from the sounds of the girls around me, they don't like him much. I head over to a group of girls that didn't like him and tapped one on the shoulder, and she turned around, looked at me, and squealed loudly, smiling like a madwoman. I looked at her calmly, in a slouched posture. "You know the new kid?"

"Yeah," she started. "He's really cute. But don't go near 'im, he's a quiet one. I think he's one of those really snobby boys that only talk to certain people. He's such a jerk! I walked up to him and said hi and he just stared at me!"

"And his eyes were so creepy," another girl commented.

"His eyes weren't creepy," a girl who just walked by, said. I knew her, her name was Cilla. She had a crush on me. It wasn't mutual, but I wasn't going to tell her _that._ "He looked really sad, Rab. And his eyes seemed almost empty."

"Did you see his arm," a girl shrieked loudly, causing me to flinch. "It's burned horribly!"

"Is it that bad," I asked, curious. She nodded. "Do you know where I can find him?" She nodded in the direction of the old Sakura tree, and I looked over. I saw him, and felt my head begin to hurt. He looked up at me, and I saw his hurting sapphire eyes and the loneliness in them as they bored into mine. His own eyes widened, and he suddenly began clutching his head as well, stumbling slightly. I saw images flash through my mind's eye at a rapid speed.

I'm hugging someone...?

I'm crying into someone's neck...?

What the...?

_"Remember that Johnny, you have my heart in your hands, and no on else can take it from you because you're the only one I'd entrust it to." _

_"May you remember that I am always yours Johnny, I fight this fight for you, and you alone."_

"Johnny...!"

And the world started spinning.

X

The next time I woke up, it was lunch period. I didn't understand what happened and why my head hurt so much. People were standing around me, but that set of cerulean eyes that entranced me before stood out from the rest. "Rab? Are you alright?" A random girl asked me. I nodded and struggled to get up, but failed as my head began hurting again.

"Here," said a soft voice, "Take these. They should help." I nodded and took them.

"Thank you."

"That was so strange, I stared at you and then I felt like I was falling," he commented softly, voice laced with a bit of fear. My vision began slowly to clear, and I looked at to the boy. Indeed, there was fear in his eyes. "Oh, and by the way," he continued in that small voice, "My name is Johnny. Johnny Wolfe. I'm new, as you know."

"Hi," I said, reaching out a hand to shake his. Then I realized something as he looked away shamefully from me. "Oh, your arm?"

"No, don't worry about it," he said, voice shaking slightly. He reached a hand out, his burned one, and shook my hand. He was wearing long sleeves, so most of the burns were hidden. but if the burns on his hand were any indication, he had been burned rather badly. "It's a pleasure to meet you. Maybe I'll see you around?"

"Yeah."

"Cool. See ya later at the tryouts for the talent show," he said softly.

How did he know I was trying out?

X

I was in a haze. The day just seemed to pass by until the time of the performances. A few were good, most were bad, some were so strange that I was left befuddled at the end when I was trying to figure out the point of it all. But perhaps the solution to my problems were that they did have one, I just wasn't trying enough. My mind was in other places, I was looking for him. He said he'd be here, but so far, no sign of him. I was on the edge with nervousness.

But then I saw him, and I felt my heart break.

He seemed even more depressed, and a sad look was plastered on his face. His eyes were shadowed and dark with his anger, his sadness? What did it mean? His hands were shoved in his pockets, and his shoulders slouched with fatigue. He looked at me, and I saw his eyes brighten slightly, as he walked over to sit down. But he paused in the middle of his step, unsure. He looked at me questioningly, and I nodded my consent even though it didn't seem necesarry.

He walked over to me and smiled an almost unnoticable smile, though pain remained in the shadows of his eyes. I smiled back at him. "Did I miss anything good," he asked.

"Not on your life."

"Really? That bad?"

"You'd be amazed."

"Alright," he said calmly.

"Johnny," I asked.

"...Yeah...?"

"...Did you pass out too?"

"...Yeah...?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"... I didn't want you to worry."

"Next time, god forbid, tell me, okay?"

He looked at me, then nodded.

"Johnny Wolfe!" Johnny stood up. "You're up! Stage! Now! Rab!"

I nodded and stood up. "You two picked the same song, you're performing it together. Any complaints?" We both declined our heads. "Good! Here's who sings what!" She handed us a sheet, as we both looked it over. Johnny looked at it and I leaned over his shoulder to see it properly, and I noticed that Johnny was blushing. When we were done looking over the sheet, we nodded and climbed to the stage.

Chances are, that if I hand sung this alone, I wouldn't have been here, ever. I can't sing alone, just in a group or with more than just me singing.

But I began to sing nonetheless.

_"Well she seemed alright by dawn's early light,  
__Though she looked a 'lil worried and weak.  
__She tried to pretend he wasn't drinking again,  
__But Daddy left the proof on her cheek." _

Johnny sung next, and I held my breath.

_"And I was only eight years old that summer,  
__And I always seemed to be in the way.  
__So I took myself down to the fair in town,  
__On Independence Day... "_

Johnny's voice was melodic and soft enough when he spoke, but when he sang, it was like listening to an angel.

I continued the song.

_"Well, word gets around in a small, small town,  
__They said he was a dangerous man.  
__But Momma was proud, and she stood her ground,  
__She knew she was on the losin' end."_

Johnny then sung a larger part, including the chorus because my voice couldn't, probably, hit as high as his.

_"Some folks whispered, some folks talked,  
__But everybody looked the other way...  
__And when time ran out there was no one about,  
__On Independence Day... _

_"Let freedom ring!  
__Let the white dove sing,  
__Let the whole world know that today is the day of a reckoning...!  
__Let the weak be strong,  
__Let the right be wrong.  
__Roll the stone away,  
__Let the guilty pay,  
__It's Independence Day..." _

Johnny's voice continued to amaze me, and I almost forgot to sing.

_"Well, she lit up the sky that Fourth of July,  
__By the time that the firemen come,  
__They just put out the flames and took down some names,  
__And sent me to the county home." _

Johnny and I both sang the rest of the song

_"Now I ain't sayin' it's right, or it's wrong,  
__But maybe it's the only way...!  
__Talk about your revolution,  
__It's Independence Day... _

_"Let freedom ring!  
__Let the white dove sing,  
__Let the whole world know that today is the day of a reckoning...!  
__Let the weak be strong,  
__Let the right be wrong.  
__Roll the stone away,  
__Let the guilty pay,  
__It's Independence Day..._

_"Roll the stone away... _

_"It's Independence Day..."_

As the song ended, a stunned look came upon the teacher's face, along with a few other teachers that had come to see who was singing. I looked over to Johnny, who was blushing madly, looking down at his feet. I could've sworn that he had said: 'Hide me', but I brushed the thought off. The teachers were gaping at us both. "What? ... What?"

"How-? You-! What-? My god, where did you two learn to sing like that?"

"Like what," we asked in unison.

"Like... Amazing!" I cocked an eyebrow.

"I don't know about Johnny, but I've never had any sort of lessons. Have you, Johnny?"

"Nope."

"See?"

"Wow, that's _some_ raw talent."

"Bell," Johnny said, the bell ringing exactly after he said so.

"How did you know that?" I asked.

"Sixth sense, AKA, a watch."

"Ahh..." I blushed scarlet.

"Don't worry 'bout it. See ya 'round, Rab?"

"Sure, I'll see you later."

"'Morrow at lunch?"

"I got'cha covered."

"Cool."

X

Dear Journal,

Today, phew! What a day! All that happened, can't remember it if someone held a gun to my head. The only thing I really remember is the strange dream I had when I was out cold. Just the mere thought of it makes me blush madly.

_X Lime! X_

_I was shirtless, in a bedroom, with someone writhing under me. Sweat covered both our bodies. I dipped my head down slowly as my tongue protruded from my mouth and because licking a firm chest. And of course, scare of my life, it was indeed, not a girl. But that did not seem to waver the dream me, as I continued my doings. _

_I sent butterfly kisses over a soft jaw, on the junction between the neck, nibbling lightly, then back down to that firm chest. I bent my head and gave a pink protruding nub an experimental lick apparently satisfied with the response. A whimper, sounding more so like a moan. I licked around the nub, then nibbled on it in a way that caused the body beneath me to buck upwards, giving me sensations that were unfamiliar to me but extremely enjoyful. _

_"Please Rab... Please..." A voice whispered, it's host's face hidden from my view. _

_"Patience, Little One." _

_I lowered my tongue onto the boy's waistline, my hands massaging hips not that farther lower. I licked right at the waistline, sometimes I'd dare a little lower, but never did I fill the boy's silent plea. An impatient groan was heard as I brought my head back upwards to the boy's neck, licking it, and leaving hickey marks in some places. "Stop with the torture Rab, please, more!" _

_I mumbled unintelligently, then murmured something I could make out. _

_"Mine." I then bit the person's neck, seemingly painfully so, and he jumped under me and tangled his hands into my hair. "Only mine." The hands tangled further into my hair, and the boy whimpered. _

_"Please... Please...! Go there...!" _

_"Are you sure, Little One? If we go further, there's no saying that I'll be able to stop, even if you ask me to." _

_"I don't care...! I need you now...!" I nodded and shifted myself over him, and getting ready I kissed him and did the deed. I felt tears through the kiss, he had yelped, and I waited. _

_There was no turning back._

_X End Lime! X_

I blushed wildly, face livid with the color of many different shades of red. But I continued my journal entry.

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Anyway, that's not the point. I guess, all in all, it was the most interesting day I've had in about ten months. Well, I can't stand just writing here, I guess I'll go to bed. See ya, tomorrow! Wait a sec, did I say I was meeting Johnny tomorrow for lunch? I almost forgot. Okay Rab, breathe dear boy, _breathe._ Okay, no big deal. Calm down... Okay, I'm better. See ya "'morrow!"

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PetPetAngel: Oh deary dear, dear! That's awful long! Let's see! On the nineth page... I do say that's a pretty good beginning... I hope you all like it! I worked hard on it... Remember, there is more to come! MWAHAHAHA! Keep your eyes peeled for more!

Ja Ne!

Sincerely;

PetPetAngel


	2. DJ: Stand Beside Me

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PetPetAngel: I told you there was more to come! I'm just gonna cut to the chase, start readin'! (Sorry it took so long to post, I'm really sick right now, so my inspiration was low.)

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Disclaimer: I do not own _Johnny Tremain._

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Warnings: Yaoi/Slash/Shounen-ai, (though you really should know this already) Violence and Abuse in later chapters. Swearing too.

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Dear Journal

Written by:

PetPetAngel

X

Fic Type: Multiple chapter story with some Songs/Poems stuck in.

Rating: Rated T

Dedication: Rikusgurl, Yaoi Rox Me Sox, and Peaches

Pairing: Johnny x Rab

X

Key

"Blah"

_Blah_ - Emphasis, Dream, or Flashback

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Date: July 3, 2004

Rab Cogan

Entry: Two

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Dear Journal,

Got like, zero sleep last night. No Z's, no nothing. I'm super tired today, and my mother had to practically drag me out of bed. What kept me up during the agonizing duration of the night? Johnny. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny... The only thing in my head and on my mind. Well, you know, he's better than thinking about other things, like the talent show today... Wait! Today? Well, I already know what I'm gonna end up doing.

Host, like usual.

The downside to the show is that no one ever performs what they did at the rehersals, so, things usually end up pretty ugly. It's actually really disappointing, because normally rehersals are good, but when people go up there doin' whatever they're doin', it's just...

Blah.

No.

Just does NOT work. At all. Mr. Takanashi, japanese teacher that's really good, (yesterday was a sub, that's why we go from Mrs. to Mr.,) gets really mad at us for that. I don't particularly like Music, but Mr. Takanashi makes it pretty damn interesting. Though, (as though he were oblivious to it all) he has all these girls pretty much swooning over him all the time. And I mean _all_ the time. Especially this one girl, Leslie Gore, I think her name was. Has this major obsession with "Hot" Japanese/Asian boys.

She's pretty cool you know. Got dreams to be an animator, I've seen her stuff.

She's a-goin' there.

But anyway, enough with the fangirlish talk. Actually, fangirls kind of bother me. Sometimes I'm a victim. It's just. Ugh. Something. Leslie also seems to be among my crowd of "secret" organizations of girls who have "secret" crushes that are probably better known than they are.

No offense to them of course.

Well, I gotta go.

P .S. At least I got Johnny offa my mind. Damn.

X

Rab's POV

Again, super boring day. This'll be kinda agonizing. Well, more so than usual. As I walked, I saw a familiar figure. "Johnny," I called. "Johnny!" The figure turned around staring at me with startled eyes, which, what? Brightened when they saw me? I jogged up to him and smiled brightly at him, spirits lifted just by seeing him.

"How's it goin'?"

"Good. You?"

"Got no sleep last night! So, I've had my better days," he said, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck, grinning. "Dunno why, just thinking and thinking 'bout stuff, and I can't remember not the half of it all!" I chuckled, placing a 'comforting' hand on his shoulder.

"You're not alone, my friend, I too have had some sort of case where I just could _not_ sleep last night!"

"Phew!" Johnny exclaimed. "I thought I was the only one!"

"Johnny! Rab!" We turned around speedily, nearly plowing each other over in the process. It was Cilla. "Wow, you two are really coordinated," she commented sarcastically, out of breath. I nodded happily, and slung an arm over Johnny's shoulders, and he grinned at me and whispered something to me. His breath tickled my ear. I removed my arm from his shoulder and looked directly at Cilla, who blushed a bright shade of scartlet.

I rolled one of my eyes back, then the other, giving the impression that they were rolling to the back of head. She looked away quickly, and started complaining about how 'gross' it was. I started laughing at her, just the expression she was making, was priceless. Johnny behind me, I heard, was in a hysteric fit of giggles, and I could just see him clutching his sides. She swatted us both playfully, ear tips turning red in anger.

"Cilla's mad," I cried.

"Oh yes, she's mad! Her ears are red!"

After the commotion died down, I asked Johnny a question that I had wanted to ask for a while. "What are you performing at the talent show?" His eyes widened and he blushed heavily, myself staring intently at him.

"Uh... Um..."

"I'm very sorry, but "um" is not an answer. Sorry to disappoint you," I joked, and he smiled.

"I haven't decided yet! I'm stuck between a billion different songs! There's There Goes my Life, Keg in the Closet, Don't Laugh at Me, How Do You Get That Lonely, The Woman With You, and oi! I can't choose!"

"You know all those by heart?" He blushed but nodded. "Phew, you got there a helluva lotta choice!"

"I know."

"I would help you, but we're at school." He sighed, and we walked in. We were met with an interesting sight. A boy, who I knew, (his name was Ayal), was comforting his mother, as she seemingly just collapsed on him. He looked very confused, but there was also a deep hatred and anger in his eyes, both which perturbed me. We all walked over to them, and I started the conversation.

"What happened?"

"Ya know how pa left ma before?" I nodded, confused. "Well, yesterday, he shows up at our door, and ma hasn't stopped thinkin' 'bout him since then. I guess she jus' couldn't take it all in anymore."

"Oh." I stayed quiet and leaned closer to his mother to hear what she was saying, and Johnny did the same.

"I wanted him out of my life! I didn't need to see," she hiccupped, "'im! I- I wanted- I wanted- oh I don't know! I dunno what I want!" I saw Johnny smile sadly, as he placed a hand on Ayal's mother's shoulder, and she stared at him and his hand strangely.

"You want a man that stands beside you." Her eyes widened considerably, and then tears came more heavily to her eyes as she flung herself into Johnny's expecting arms, sobbing her heart out and clutching his clothes in one of the most desperate manners I have ever seen. "You feel like you've have and are being taken advantage of, and you're sick of having a husband that shows up when he wants to."

"Yes," she half-yelled half-sobbed. "Yes!" She clutched him tighter, and he sat there calmly, running his hands through her hair, and for a second, I think I was envious. My eyes widened. I knew I wasn't jealous of Johnny, so did that mean I was envious of Ayal's mother? Because Johnny held her, comforted her, and ran his hands through _her_ hair?

No, that couldn't be it.

But I pushed that thought aside. Johnny helped Ayal's mother up, and led her to the car, (and I have no idea how he knew which one was her's) and opened the door for her. She sat down, and took a shuddering breath. "You'll be at the talent show, I presume," Johnny asked.

"Of course, I haven't missed one yet."

"You should go home... And get some rest," he commented.

"Oh, I feel so silly asking you this, but what should I do about my husband?" Johnny offered her another smile.

"You know I cannot tell you what to do..."

Her face fell.

"But I will tell you this: Be true to your heart. Think about what would happen if you shut him out, or let him back into your heart. What would he do for you?" She looked at him bewildered. "You know," he continued. "A lot of the times we make descisions, we think them through, but not many of them think past that. Just, be true to your heart, and it will guide you to great places, whatever your choice may be."

X

Heading to class, with both Johnny and Cilla in tow, I sat down in my regular seat, Cilla in hers, and Johnny sat uncertainly behind me. I looked back and reassured him that he was fine, and that no one sat there normally. Class had yet to start, and the teacher was not here. Currently, I observed Johnny and his reactions to the class. He seemed content enough. A boy, Kyle, the class bully that took advantage of everyone at every given chance, came up to him and tapped him on the shoulder.

I was actually quite curious. I wanted to see how Johnny would react and how his mind worked. He'd need witty remarks and courage to win this battle. Kyle had actually been insulting him a while back now, and Johnny just sat there looking at me calmly but with an annoyed look on his face. Finally, Kyle seemed to just lose edge and yelled right into Johnny's ear:

"ARE YOU DEAF!" Johnny responded back in the same kind of voice, quietly yelling at Kyle.

"NO!" Then he continued normally. "But thank you for telling me of your own disability, I'll have to keep it mind during our future encounters, how unfortunate you are for having to live with not being able to hear..." But then Johnny smirked, eyes gaining a spark in them. "But then again, you are a lucky fellow that you'd never have to hear your own voice, I mean, how dreadful! Talk 'bout a fate worse than death!" I sniggered to myself, covering my mouth. A crowd had gathered around the two, interested in who had insulted Kyle in such a way.

"You- you-!"

"Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, I failed to notice that you were overtaken by shock and hurt. My heart goes out to you, honestly, t'is heartfelt," he murmured, tapping his own heart twice for emphasis.

"Aw, shaddup!"

"What? I go out to you and offer my deepest sympathies, and all you can manage is a 'shaddup'? I'm sorry, I was expecting too much I 'spose when I thought that you would give me a- a- witty response. Someting intelligent. My heart burns in sadness for your mental instabability."

"Why you little-!"

Johnny remained seated in his seat, seemingly fine with all that was happening.

Kyle took a hit at him, aiming straight for his head, and before Kyle's hand were anywhere even relatively near Johnny's head, Johnny's own hand went out and grabbed Kyle's wrist, then twisted his wrist around so that it was facing up. The attack was a complete waste, Kyle couldn't do anything with his hand, it was completely useless.

The teacher walked in at this sight. "Kyle! Detention! I'll see you then!"

The rest of the class sat down, murmuring a different set of bewildered whispers as you heard from row to row. As the teacher quieted us, class began. A few notes were passed to me, asking about Johnny and how he was as a person, and all that stuff, and I answered smoothly. But all through our morning classes, I felt that Johnny was staring at me intently, and when a sneaked a peek behind me, indeed he was.

He looked down and blushed an beautiful shade of-

Hold up Rab! What did I just call Johnny?

I sighed and placed my face in my hands.

What's wrong with me?

X

At lunch, Johnny came up to me with a worried expression on his face. "Rab, everything alright?"

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"Oh it doesn't matter."

"Alright," I said shrugging.

As we walked in a companionable silence outside the school grounds, I noticed that Johnny was limping. And immediately, I began to look him over. He looked a bit more pale than yesterday, and I could've sworn I saw a cut on his neck, right where his shirt collar ended. But I brushed that last one off, it wasn't apparent enough. I looked at his face, and I noticed that his complextion seemed uneven, as though if it were painted on, but I brushed that off as well.

Oh well.

Maybe I'm just paranoid.

Continuing the walk without any editorial comments, (of course any were kept to myself), again I felt like Johnny was staring at me. But, like many other stares, I brushed it off. But I couldn't help but sneak another look at him. He was looking at his feet, that sad expression back on his face, a look that, for some reason, I wanted to keep off his face at any cost. But suddenly, Kyle jumped out of the blue, and instictively, I took a step back, Johnny repeating the action.

He smirked, eyes wild in a fashion that made the hair on the back of my neck bristle. "Hello, Johnny-boy," he murmured, circling us both as though if we were prey and he were predator. He lunged at Johnny who stepped back but was met with someone else's chest. Seeing this beforehand, I grabbed Johnny's wrist and pulled him to me. Then when the blow was clear, I pushed him behind me.

"Protective of your boyfriend, Rab?"

I blushed lightly, while Johnny blushed about three times harder. After the two were delt with, I turned behind me to see if Johnny was alright. He had been slammed into a wall, and currently, he was leaning against it. "Johnny? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, you?"

"I'm fine, though I was roughed up a bit."

He sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," I said, leaning over him. "I made my own choice, which was to help you. I do not regret it in the slightest."

"Alright," he said quietly.

X

Then next thing I took notice to was that I was in the car, and mom was talking to me. "So, do you think it will be better than last year?" I nodded vigorously, having one particular thing in mind. "Oh?"

"The new kid, that came in two days ago, sings really good! The notes they hit are just... Wow," I said, recalling his performance. Really good! Fantastic even!"

"Really?"

"Really!"

"Does someone have a crush?" My dad asked I blushed wildly and hid my face from the Webb twins beside me. "Oh c'mon Rab, if you have a crush, you can tell us. Oh look dear, that blush screams it. He must have a crush on the new girl!"

"DAD!" I whined. "It's a boy! How could I have a crush on a boy!" Though not well seen, he was embarassed.

X

Rab's Mother's POV

X

"Ah, but dear, that blush on your face screams that you're lying. You must like the new boy! Is he cute? What's he look like? Is he well mannered? Does he have a criminal record?" He chuckled under his breath to the last question, then answered.

"No, yes, good, yes, and NO."

"You just said he was cute."

"Argh!"

"We're here!"

"Thank god," I heard Rab murmur under his breath. Then he looked at his watch. "Damn! I'm late! See ya guys later!" Waving to him and he jogged away, I thought to myself. I really do think that Rab has a crush. I'll have to see what this boy is like, and if he truly _is_ well-mannered. This, indeed will be a good show.

Walking inside, I noticed that Rab was already back-stage, face flushed. A few people waved to him, and he waved back, but I noticed, one person made him smile. I looked in that direction and saw a boy with blue eyes and blond hair, with a soft smile and a gentle face that made me feel like smiling myself. I Timmy and Tommy were at my waist, and I heard a few kids yell "it's them! The Webb twins! Get 'em!" And Timmy and Tommy looked horrified for a moment, then ran.

Time seemed to be going too slow as I walked over to him, and tapped him on the shoulder. "Aren't you singing?" He looked at me for a moment, then said in a small voice:

"Yes, but... I just feel more comfortable seeing how bad I'll embarrass myself," he said blushing.

"I'm sure you'll do fine," I said, smiling. "Rab has told us a little about you."

"He- he has?" I smiled widely at him, and giggled.

"Don't sound so surprised! You seem like quite a gentleman. Of course you'll be remembered."

"I've gotta go. Sorry," he said, looking me straight in the eyes, I suppose to prove to me he wasn't just trying to haul his ass out of my way. I nodded and he ran behind stage, blushing like he had been kissed... It'll happen eventually.

Time when on and on with average acts, a few bad jokes, until, for the closing act, Rab "introduced" Johnny to the crowd. He was singing a song called "Stand Beside Me." I'd heard of it, it was by this female singer, Jo Dee Messina. HE began singing after taking a breath, and staring at someone.

_"He left me cryin' late one Sunday night outside of Boulder,  
He said he had to find himself out on the road...  
I guess when love goes wrong,  
You've gotta learn to be strong..._

_"So I worked two jobs,  
And I moved three times,  
I ended up south of Memphis, workin' down in Riverside.  
I may not be so lucky in love,  
But the one thing I'm sure of..."_

I held my breath, this was the chorus, I could tell.

_"I want a man that stands beside me/  
Not in front of or behind me...!  
Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me.  
And I'll give all the love in my heart,  
Stand beside me,  
Be true, don't tell lies to me,  
I'm not lookin' for a fantasy...  
I want a man that who stands beside me..."_

I was left gaping after that.

_"I didn't expect to see him, one hot July morning,  
His hair was longer but his eyes were the same old blue...  
He said, "I've missed you for so long. Oh baby, what can I do?"  
I said, "I want a man that stands beside me!  
Not in front of or behind me...!  
Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me.  
And I'll give all the love in my heart." _

"It's hard to tell him,  
"No" when I want him so bad!  
But I've got to be true to my heart!  
This time...

"I'm not lookin' for a fantasy...  
I want a man who stands beside me...  
I want a man,  
Who stands beside me!

"Stand beside me..."

I gaped.

X

PetPetAngel: Did you like it? I hope so! There's still more to come!


	3. DJ: Nothing at All

X

PetPetAngel: Damn, this was done quickly. Well, actually, I was looking forward to writing this chapter. I hope people will like this, and that they won't be mad at me when they're done reading.

Trespasser: Now _this_ was my kind of chapter. It had everything I like bl-

PetPetAngel: (covers his mouth) You _gotta_ learn to keep quiet.

Trespasser: (bites hand)

PetPetAngel: Ow!

Rab: I dunno about you Johnny, but I think it's time to haul ass outta here!

Johnny: (nods)

X

Disclaimer: I do not own _Johnny Tremain._

X

Warnings: Yaoi/Slash/Shounen-ai, (though that ain't much of a warning) Violence and Abuse in later chapters.

X

Dear Journal

Written by:

PetPetAngel

X

Fic Type: Multiple chapter story with some Songs stuck in.

Rating: Rated T

Dedication: Rikusgurl, Yaoi Rox Me Sox,

Pairing: Johnny x Rab

X

Key

"Blah"

_Blah_ - Emphasis, Dream, or Flashback

X

Date: July 3, 2004

Johnny Wolfe

Date: Saturday; 8:30 AM

X

Johnny's POV

X

Damn. I'm gonna be late. I was upstairs, sort of my own safe haven away from dad and his wrath. No, I am not exagerrating. Tell me, how would _you_ think of your father if he were a good for nothing drunkard? Better yet, who beat you? Geez, I'm sure you'd love him too. I mean go up to him and he'll throw you into the closest wall and slash you like there was no tomorrow.

Yup. Feel the love.

I went over to the closet and picked out a pair of jeans and a dark colored long-sleeve shirt. I already had put my pants on, and before I put on my shirt, I looked at myself in the mirror. I felt like whimpering at what I saw. Black and blue bruises stuck out from beneath my blood-stained bandages. My face was pale to such a degree I thought I could've been albino, except one large bruise on my face. My arm was almost completely bright red from age old burns, as well as newer ones.

I finally did whimper.

I quickly went to the bathroom and combed through my hair with my fingers, a few flakes of dried blood falling out. Damn. I hope that it's not too noticable. I opened the medecine cabinet, it only held two items. Some painkillers for me, and foundation. I grabbed the bottle of foundation, and spread it on my hands, then on my face, hiding the bruise. I tip-toed downstairs, careful not to wake _him_. I cringed as one of the stairs creaked, and I froze, paralyzed with fear when I heard mumbling.

Then footsteps, and I knew I should run, but, like everytime, I found I couldn't move. Soon, he was at the bottom of the steps and gaining. And all I did was stare at him. I just couldn't seem to overcome my fear of him. Not until he had me by the neck, grip tightening, did I seem to come back to the present. I kicked him hard, _there,_ and he howled loudly. It became apparent to me that the front door was not an option for an exit.

Before I moved, he was back up and he kicked me in the back of the knee, and I lost balance and stumbled back towards him. I had nothing to grab on, and I fell on the stairs, the shadow of his form looming over me. He took his booted foot and pressed it harshly into my back, right where he knew where my weak spot was.He punched me there yesterday, and, even though it was hidden by bandages, I knew a large bruise had taken it's place. I hissed in pain and he dug the boot heel further into my back, and he laughed.

Not discouraged, though in plenty of pain, I took my foot, and kicked him in the ankle. Normally, that wouldn't do anything, but he was drunk, so, luckily it did. He started to fall on top of me and I crawled out of the way, him falling face down into the stairs. I quickly went to my mom's room, now long since empty of her presence, ever since he killed her. There was a window in her room, one I could jump out of when he came too close.

He almost never went in her room, though he did have the key to it, and the only reason I could get in was because I had picked the lock last night, after the talent show. I jumped out of the window, still not very skilled at my landings, and I stumbled into the wall and leaned against it, until my feet stop hurting and my balance had been caught. I saw Mrs. Shneider's familiar car, and ran up to it, and she let me in. The ride to the therapist's office was a silent one.

When we arrived, she placed a hand on my shoulder and told me silently that she would pick me up in an hour. I nodded and walked into the building, someone almost immediately taking notice to me. They took and led me to a room with a few pieces of funiture, and murky red walls. Personally, I thought it looked hideous, and quite disconcerting, but they didn't need to know _that_.

I sat down in the arm chair, and waited for my therapist to come in. My mom had paid for these sessions years in advance, because, I remembered, she wanted to make sure that whatever I wouldn't tell to her I could tell to someone else if it were a problem. How I remember that I have no idea. My therapist walked in. Mr. Quincy, he was a man with a heavy cough, even nowadays prophetic of an early death.

"So..." He began, shifting through his papers. "How have things been going?"

"Okay. Things have been getting... Better..."

"Good, good. So I hear that you have been transferred to a new school?"

"Yes... I have."

"Have there been any problems?"

"No," I said shortly.

"Have you made any friends?"

"I... I think so."

"You _think_ so."

"Well, yeah."

"And his/her name is?"

"Rab. I dunno his last name. I've... I've only known him for two days, sorta. He's... Nice to me. I feel like I can talk to him."

"And how does that make you _feel?_"

"Uh... Happy, I do suppose. I mean, he's the only one in a while that's even spoken to me. When I first spoke to him, it was rather like testing to see if my voice still worked. I mean... I hadn't spoken to anyone in so long. Only the necesarry and when I sing. Otherwise I've pretty much been mute... Since her."

"That far?"

"Well... Yeah."

"So.. You're comfortable around him."

"Yes... Very much so. I mean... He just... Has this air of confidence... Around him, that supports everyone he knows... And even the ones he _doesn't_ know... And he brings out the better in people. I mean, like.. When I'm around him, I feel... Rather like... He'll be there for me... Like... He'll catch me... When I fall... Offer... A shoulder... You know... For me to cry on..."

"Hmm..."

"I mean, he's just... He's just..."

"Wonderful?"

That's exactly what I had meant. "He's not like any boy I've ever met."

"You sound rather like you fancy him." I blushed three different shades of scarlet - I noticed in my reflection.

"I don't- I don't- how you said it; 'fancy' Rab. He's just just a good friend, not a- a- crush. Oh god, I did _not_ just say crush, I did not..."

"You did."

"Oh god." Billions of thoughts ran through my head. What's wrong with me? I- I can't love Rab... He's- he's a young man... _Man._ Oh god... I thought, combing my fingers through my hair. "It's not right, it's not..."

"You make it sound oh so, _horrid._ Love truly is a blessed thing. Something that mankind should treasure and not think so much as a life-time chance. It only comes once, and when you don't accept it that time, that person holds your heart in their hands, and you'll never let go of them."

Oh god... "Can I go get a drink?"

A nod. I ran out of the room, bothered and uncomfortable and how strange it was that _I_ loved Rab. Rab... Oh god.. Rab! Rab, of all people! Well, it's better than, let's say, Cilla. I mean, but Rab! It's not his fault he's wonderful, caring, that he's honest, smart, a gentleman, tender, oh god, I did not just think that...

As I walked back in the room, the threpist made no move to restart the conversation with me. Silence reigned for about the next twenty minutes. "So," he began, "Are you going to accept it?"

I remained silent.

"Are you?"

"Does it look like I have a choice?" I snapped, confused.

"Our time's up."

"Thank god!" I ran out of the room.

X

When I walked out, Mrs. Shneider was waiting for me. I waved her off, and she nodded. I had just told her that I was going to walk home. As I walked, I saw a dog, (a German Shepherd, I noticed) run around the corner, and instictively, I ran after it, it was on no leash. I chased after it, calling, "Here boy!" To the common eye I looked quite rediculous. "Here boy!" Eventually, it stopped and looked around at me, and at the time, I was breathing heavily.

I slowly approached it, not wanting to scare it, and it immediately came up to me, sniffing me. I stuck my hand out. After sniffing it for several moments, it gave my hand an experimental lick, and I smiled as I saw it's tail start wagging. It came up to me, and I bent down to - him - as I hugged him gently and made a move for his collar. I gasped.

_Buddy _

_Owners:_

_Rab Cogan_

_Timmy and Tommy Webb_

_Address: 34 Carol Court_

_Endwell NY 13760_

_$500.00 Reward if Found When Lost _

It's Rab's dog, I thought to myself. Color flooded my face. At least I know where he lives, now. Carol Court's a long way from here, I wonder how he got away. Rab didn't seem like the ignorant type, so perhaps the twins let him out of the backyard? "Hey there, Buddy! C'mon, let's get you home."

Silently, we walked to Rab's house. When we arrived, I felt kind of awkward ringing their doorbell. Luckily, Rab answered the door. "Johnny? What are you- Buddy!"

"Hi," I said strangely, blushing.

"Hey," he responded. "Uh, come on in, and you can explain to me how my dog ended up with you." I nodded, and walked in. I looked around.

"Nice place you've got here."

"Thanks. I don't like it much, but it's good for five people. Timmy, Tommy, Mom, Dad, and me." Then he added as an after thought, "And Buddy too." I whistled. He nodded, and said, "Take off your shoes, Mom will throw a fit if her floors get dirty." I laughed lightly. When my shoes were off, we walked into the livingroom, Buddy still at my side. As we passed the kitchen, Rab's mother exclaimed,

"Johnny! Why are you here?"

"I... Uh... Found Buddy."

"Buddy! Why I thought he was in the backyard!" An annoyed look came across her face, "Timmy! Tommy! You've got some explaining to do!"

"Ma'am," I said hesitantly. She looked at me, and I _thought_ I saw her face soften when she looked at me. "Don't go too hard on them. They're only, about seven, I would think." As the twins appeared at the bottom of the stairs, looking very bothered, they walked over to Rab's mother.

"Yeah?" Rab's Mother sighed.

"I _was_ going to yell at you two, but Johnny requested that I didn't. And I do suppose that's fair because it's not only _your_ names written on that tag." She gave a pointed look at Rab, who sweatdropped and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly while grinning.

"What's all this about Buddy?" A man walked down the stairs whom I assumed was Rab's father.

"Well dear, it seems that Buddy got out of the backyard, _somehow._ We're lucky that Johnny here," I blushed madly, "Went and found him before he made his way out of the state."

"Well then! Thank you Johnny!" He grasped my hand and shook it, smiling at me. I kind of just gaped at him for a moment, for he had shaken, without hesitation, my burned hand. Eventually, I shook my head and smiled back.

"It was my pleasure. I saw him on the street when I had gone for a walk, and since he had no leash, I ran after him. That's pretty much it." I grinned, copying the action that Rab had done moments before.

"Ah! We'll have to pay you the reward!" I gaped again.

"No, please don't," I said, waving my hands and shaking my head. "No, I don't want it."

"But the collar says, and we agreed-"

"And _I_ say, I don't want the money, just consider it as a, what, I dunno, deed, done by a friend for a friend." Rab's parents smiled.

"Then at least spend dinner with us." I sweatdropped.

"You're not gonna let me leave without something in return, are you?"

"Not on your life." We smiled, together, everyone, and the twins were grinning.

"Us and Rab got some things to show you!" Said the twins.

X

After I had eaten, which the food was delicious, (though I restrained myself and ate like a normal person, even though the last time I had eaten was yesterday,) I stood by the door, putting my shoes on. That evening, I had one of the best anythings since she died, and I had shared a few good laughs with them. "You must come again," said Rab's Mother, who told me to call her 'Mrs. Cogan,' because 'Ma'am' made her feel old.

I had laughed.

I faced Rab, by the door, and said, "Thanks for having me over, I had a really good time."

"It really was a pleasure to have you over. You're the only true friend I have besides Cilla, but I feel like I can talk to you more than her. I guess I'll see you Monday at latest?"

I blushed. "Yeah. Take care."

"You too. Be safe, you don't know what kind of people are out there." I'll try.

"I will. See ya!"

And I ran, already feeling the burning sensation of tears at the corners of my eyes.

X

As I tip-toed nervously into the house, I closed the door behind me, careful that it, and me, were quiet. I peeked over the banister, and my heart stopped-short at what I saw. _He_ was sitting on the couch, a twisted and cynical smile on his face. And I knew there was trouble ahead. "Well, well, well. What do we have here?" He smirked wider as I stared, and I was sure that there was fear in my eyes.

Fear he reveled in.

"You do realize that you are one hell of an annoying brat, right?" He sneered at me. He gripped my chin forcefully, and slapped me. I didn't move, but prayed silently that he was feeling merciful today and that he wouldn't leave anything to noticable. The knocked me off my feet and stepped on my back, just as he had done this morning. My hands twitched at my sides, pain coming in racking spasms.

Noticing this, he smirked.

He isn't drunk now, I though fearfully. He knows exactly what he's doing. God help me...

He quickly grabbed my wrist, and began to twist it, and I heard something make an audible _POP_ then _CRACK,_ and I felt bones dislocating themselves. I bit my lip, blood streaming out of the side of my mouth. In one fluid motion, he grabbed me by that same wrist, and threw me into the living room, by back hitting the coffee table, it cracking under me. He smirked.

I laid still, knowing if I moved, I would regret it later.

He came over to me, looming over me, and said: "Aren't you going to fight? Or are you just going to bore me to death? Won't you scream for me, my dear?" He grabbed me and none too gently threw on the floor, and got on top of me. "Won't you," he said mock sweetly, bringing out his knife and slicing my cheek, licking the blood away as it bled.

I looked away. No... I said to myself.

He sliced away my shirt, and brought his rough, sandpaper-like hands to run over my skin. His eyes were bright, as though if he had won something. He sliced my chest, marking 'x's in certain places, each time which I would flinch. Eventually, after nearly shredding my shirt, he threw it away, across the room, and suddenly I felt very cold and vulnerable. My eyes were closed, as not to give him the satisfatction that he wanted; my fear, my hatred.

But my eyes snapped open as he made a move for my jeans. I suddenly became very active, and were kicking rapidly. Tears were in my eyes again. Still, he unbuttoned them, and he placed a hand over my mouth to silence me. So I did the only thing I thought would buy me time, even seconds were valuble. I bit his finger, hard. He cursed and directed his attention to his hand, now bleeding.

I kicked him "there," just like this morning, and made a mad dash for the stairs, buttoning my jeans in a frenzy. He cursed and called: "I'll get you for that you little-!" and he cut himself off.

I didn't care to listen. I went to my mom's room, and used the keys I had snatched to open the door. His footsteps were coming closer, and I slammed the door open, went in, and closed it, locked it, in a heartbeat. I could hear him pounding on the door, yelling curses, but I stared wearily at the door, imagining his form. I went to get the first aid kit in the closet, and began wrapping my wounds, occasionally applying some hydrogen peroxide solution.

It hurt. Terribly, and horribly.

When I was done, I grabbed my CD player, and listened to whatever came up.

_"It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart.  
Without sayin' a word you can light up the dark.  
Try as I may I could never explain,  
What I hear when you don't say a thing."_

My reath became ragged and worn as I listened to more of the song, having someone particular in mind.

_"The smile on your face lets me know that you need me.  
There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me.  
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall.  
You say it best, when you say nothin' at all." _

Didn't I saw something like that to the therapist earlier? _"When I'm around him, I feel... Rather like... He'll be there for me... Like... He'll catch me... When I fall... "_ I listened carefully as the song continued.

_"All alone I can hear people talking about,  
But when you hold me near you drown out the crowd.  
Old Mr Webster could never define  
What 's bein' said between your heart and mine."_

"What _is_ being said?" I murmured tiredly.

_"The smile on your face lets me know that you need me.  
There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me.  
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall.  
You say it best, when you say nothin' at all."_

And that's when I started crying. I just couldn't help it. Tears flowed like rivers as I began to drift off to sleep.

_"The smile on your face lets me know that you need me.  
There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me.  
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall.  
You say it best, when you say nothin' at all..."_

X

Regular POV

X

If you asked someone, chances are, that they'll say that a teenager crying is a sight to see. When you've witness such a sight such as this, your heart may clench. This poor, lonely boy, Johnny, who didn't even know he was lonely, cried for the first time since his own mother was murdered before his own, five-year-old eyes.Cried, because of Rab. Cried, because Rab had family, people who cared about him, and Johnny didn't.

X

PetPetAngel: Aww... Poor Johnny... I actually feel bad for doing that to him... I hope you two liked this chap! I quite did. **_Did I do okay with the descriptions of Abuse?_**

Trespasser: (smirks) I knew you'd end up like me one day.

PetPetAngel: You sure you want to say that? This is a romance story, dimwit.

Trespasser: (groans)

Ja Ne!


	4. DJ: Not Strong Enough

X

PetPetAngel: Sorry this took so long. Because I know Yaoi Rox Me Sox was especially looking forward to this chapter. Well, here it is. I hope you peeps like it.

Trespasser: Let's get on with it.

PetPetAngel: Patience, my grasshopper.

Trespasser: (eye twitches) What the hell did you just call me?

PetPetAngel: (sweatdrops) (laughs nervously)

Johnny: (grabs Rab's arm) Moving on...

X

Disclaimer: I do not own _Johnny Tremain._

X

Warnings: Yaoi/Slash/Shounen-ai, (though that ain't much of a warning) Violence and Abuse in later chapters.

X

Dear Journal

Written by:

PetPetAngel

X

Fic Type: Multiple chapter story with some Songs stuck in.

Rating: Rated T

Dedication: Rikusgurl, Yaoi Rox Me Sox,

Pairing: Johnny x Rab

X

Key

"Blah"

_Blah_ - Emphasis, Dream, or Flashback

X

Date: July 4, 2004

Johnny Wolfe

Date: Sunday; 9:30 AM

X

I can't keep doing this.

I can't keep fighting.

I can't...

I can't take it anymore!

"Get out of here you little brat! I'll kill you!"

Please... Kill me.

A knife. Where's a knife? I need a knife! I can't keep lying to myself saying that the world cares about me. I can't keep thinking that someone's coming to save me from that monster. I can't keep trying to stay stong and try to fool everyone that I'm alright. I have to do this. A knife! Thank god! I... I... I need to die... I deserve to die!

There's nothing left... No one to care... No one to... No one to love me... For me to love... "You little son of a bitch! Get the hell out of there! I'll kill you! I'll fucking kill you!" I choked on a sob as I stared at the knife in my burned hand. I traced a longing finger at the edge, the steel cool on my burning skin. I yelped and stared in alarm as a small cut began bleeding on my finger. It hurt, but I stared at my finger with a strange look on my face.

I watched as the blood began to dribble onto the carpet, and roll down my hand, massaging the wrinkles in my skin. It felt good, I realized. Soon, I moved the edge of the blade to my wrist, and I sliced lightly, but put enough pressure down to draw blood. As I saw I blood began to flow down my arm, I reeled back in alarm and threw the knife across the room, and I stared at my wrist in horror. I... I...

I just tried to kill myself...

I wanted to see the bloodspill and stain the carpet.

I... I...

What would mom think of me?

Mom...

_X _

_Age: 5_

_X_

_Regular POV _

_X_

_A five year old Johnny stared at his father in horror. "Mommy... Mommy! Where's mommy," he screamed hysterically. His father gave him an annoyed look, but smiled, then slapped him across the face. Johnny stumbled backwards, a soft 'thud' heard as he hit the ground. "Mommy," he whispered, rubbing his eyes of the tears that were beginning to form._

_Johnny stood up, and screamed at his father, "Where's mommy!" His father stood still, then said. _

_"Go outside. I haven't seen her. Maybe someone there has." Not at all satisfied with the answer, but not quite in a position to say 'no,' Johnny rose and stumbled out the door. He walked around, and finally stopped at the park. A young man came up to him, and Johnny stared at him with wide eyes, as he asked. _

_"Where's your family little guy?" Johnny remained silent. _

_"Mister? Have you seen my mommy?" He looked a bit taken aback, but answered the young boy. _

_"I'm sorry. I haven't. What does she looked like?"_

_"Do you know what time it is?" Still startled, the man looked at his watch and told Johnny:_

_"About six 'o' clock, why?" The man watched curiously as Johnny's eyes grew wide and his face pale. He began to speak until the young boy had started off, running away from him. "I hope that boy is safe," the man murmured to himself._

_When Johnny arrived home, he tiptoed upstairs, but heard cries of pain from his mother downstairs. 'He's doing something - something awful to Mommy,' he thought. He tiptoed downstairs again, and at the bottom of the stairs, staring into the living room, Johnny saw his father half naked, pants off, as well as his mother's quivering naked form, and he looked away and hid behind the wall. _

_'Mommy,' he thought. 'Mommy, please...' _

_As the sounds of moans, screams and sobs faded together, Johnny covered his ears, whimpering. As his mother gave one final scream, Johnny opened his eyes, unaware that he had ever shut them. And his eyes widened as his father placed a gun to his mother's chest, the woman's breathing irratic. It was just then that Johnny noticed the scars on his mother's body. 'Mommy... You never told me daddy hurt you too...' _

_Johnny watched with wide eyes as his father pulled the trigger of the gun. Johnny let out a scream of horror, and only a moment too late, ran forward and pushed the man, his father, with all his might. The man did not stumble, but lost his concentration. Johnny had tears streaming down his cheeks, and he stumbled over to his mother, as he cried on the floor, holding his dead mother's limp hand in his own smaller one. 'Mommy... I could've helped you...' _

_As sobs choked Johnny's throat, his father approached. "Don't cry, I'll wash my hands," he said, reaching for Johnny with hands covered in blood. "We'll start a new life." Johnny began screaming at him, and the father paused, staring at his son in dismay with narrowing eyes. "Why are you so upset? I said I'll wash my hands... It was merely a... A bloody valentine's daypresent to myself, nothing to upset you little one."_

_Johnny shook his head violently and ran upstairs, crying, screaming, "LIAR!" _

_Life would never be the same._

_X_

_End Flashback_

_X_

Johnny's POV

X

So much for a happy fourth of July, I thought bitterly, tears streaming down my cheeks. Maybe... Maybe... Maybe I should tell someone... Maybe... Maybe eleven years of this is enough... Too much even for me... Maybe...

I hope that Rab's having a better time than me...

X

Rab's POV

X

Ugh. I hate it when relatives come and hug you to death. I mean, I love my relatives to death and all, but they're so embarrassing! Right now my aunt is talking to me, asking me the same usual questions. I took a gulp of my drink. How have things been going, are you doing well in school, have you had any problems, are your friends doing alright...

"Have you met a nice girl yet?" I sputtered and spit my drink out, choking slightly, as she patted my back soothingly.

"NO!" Mom popped up out of no where and interjected in the conversation.

"Of course not, Aunt Betty, because he's met a wonderful boy that's twenty times better than any other girl he could've met. And he's so cute-"

"MOM! Cut it out!"

"-And I have a picture of him right here!" She slapped a photo on the table we were sitting by. I peered at it cautiously, staring at myself and Johnny talking at the talent show, after the show. I remembered the conversation perfectly.

X

_Begin Flashback_

_X_

_"So," I started. "What's life like at your house?" _

_"My house?" I nodded. "Life at my house is hectic and hard. Financially, we're not too good, in fact, I already have a hobby that has become my job. Singing. I've lived here for a while, before I went to this school. If you go around, people at bars, clubs, restaurants, they know me, and they know me quite well actually._

_"My dad works too." _

_"What about your mother?" _

_He looked down, and remained silent. I immediately regretted asking him that question and went to place a hand on his shoulder. I was about to say something, when I heard him say sadly, "My mother... She... She-" He sighed, "She was murdered." I covered my mouth and felt as though if I should've taped it shut. _

_"I'm sorry..." And I placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Was he caught?" _

_"No," he said, voice unsteady. "Bu she wasn't only murdered." My face turned into a grimace. He leaned forward and whispered; "She was raped." My eyes widened and I gasped. _

_"No," I stated. _

_"Yup." There was an unsettling shadow in his shining eyes, and an awkward silence fell over us. _

_"Was she a good mother?" _

_"You couldn't have met a more honest person. She only lied if it protected someone she cared about." I hope, I told myself silently, that **that** trait wasn't handed down. _

_"I hate to disagree with you," I said, trying against all hope to lighten the mood, "That I have indeed met a person more honest than your mother," I told him softly. His eyes were wide._

_"Who?"_

_"Don't look so surprised Johnny... Because the person I'm talking about," I tapped him on the nose, "Is you." He blushed and silence reigned. _

_"Thank you." I nodded, and smiled at him. _

_"Don't thank when all you hear is the truth." He grinned at me. _

_"If you insist."_

_X_

_End Flashback_

_X_

"Aw!" My aunt squealed. "He's so handsome! I knew you got your good taste from someone, but phew! He looks like a keeper!" I blushed.

"I don't like him! Not _that_ way!"

She laughed at me. "Sure," she said, "That's what you tell yourself. But I highly doubt that it's heartfelt or even sincere."

I marched inside, the sound of my aunt and mother laughing echoing in my ears. What I said out there, did I mean it? Of course I meant it! I mean, why would I like Johnny? Because, said my conscious, he's sweet, kind, caring, honest, bold, strong, but a kindred spirit that could use your kind of guidence and support to help him along the way of life. He could use your help and you're more than willing to give it to him.

"Shut up," I murmured to myself.

I walked upstairs into my room, grabbed my CD player, and flung myself on my bed. I hit the play button and skipped to track ten, my favorite, but when the music started playing, it was unfamiliar to me. Damn. This is my mom's CD. I listened to the music anyway. It was hopefully more calming then the music that I was going to listen to.

_The sign says "Do Not Touch" - you're out of bounds,  
You're forbidden fruit, don't come around.  
It says don't make plans 'cause on your hand,  
Is a promise made to another man...  
_  
"Damn," I murmured. This is the worst possible song that could've been in this situation. It's just going to ring the words of my aunt in my ears. _"Sure. That's what you tell yourself. But I highly doubt that it's heartfelt or even sincere. "_

_'Cause when you're around my defenses go down...  
Feelings get stronger, looks get longer...  
The closer you come, the weaker I get,  
If it ain't happened now, just ain't happened yet. _

Does Johnny do that to me? Does Johnny make 'my defenses go down'? Do I really show I side to him, that perhaps even I haven't acknowledged? The side, that perhaps, cares for people in more so a way than as a sibling, more so than as family? As... As... As a lover, perhaps? A boyfriend? Someone so close to me, that I'd do more so than for my family?

Does Johnny, in a way, make me weaker? So that my feelings for him grow stronger and my resolve and touch to reality shatters because of the feelings between us? If I haven't realized it yet, will it truly happen in time? Through the twisted cords of fate? Is it possible?

_So please, please, please go...  
I'm not strong enough to say no,  
Please, please don't stay...!  
I'm not man enough to walk away,  
Please, please pass by...!  
I can't resist you even though I try!  
So please go, I'm not strong to say no... _

Is it really that way? Does Johnny get to me in a way, that he so touches my heart, that I would do anything for him? Does my will crumble because of him, in a way, that I truly could never tell him no? Is what I am doing now, what I say to others and what I tell myself, is this my resistence? Is this my denial? My ignorance? To both my own feelings and possibly Johnny's?

_The sign says "Slow Down-Slippery Ice,"  
You got dangerous curves, don't think twice.  
It says, "Not For Sale," your spoken for,  
Just take your heart and walk out the door...  
_  
Are you really like that, Johnny? Is it possible, that my suspicions, my suspuicions of the secrets and lies that you tell for your own sake, lying to me, so much so like the mother you told me you had, that you rather I not get involved and therefore torment yourself to an extent that it could possibly be life-threatening? Is the idea of staying away, smarter, because you may indeed have those curves, perhaps not physically, but rather, involvement with you is so dangerous, such a twisting road that not one other than yourself are to tread? Do you walk a lonely road alone do to what you do to yourself?

_'Cause when you're around my defenses go down...  
Feelings get stronger, looks get longer...  
The closer you come, the weaker I get,  
If it ain't happened now, just ain't happened yet. _

_So please, please, please go...  
I'm not strong enough to say no,  
Please, please don't stay...!  
I'm not man enough to walk away,  
Please, please pass by...!  
I can't resist you even though I try!  
So please go, I'm not strong to say no... _

Is it possible? _Don't say I didn't warn you, don't say you didn't know!  
Don't wait 'til it's too late and then try to go...  
The closer you come, the weaker I get,  
If it ain't happened now, just ain't happened yet.  
I'm beggin' you!  
_  
Do you truly spin a web, an intricate web that traps one in a maze of questions such as this? Is your air, your 'aura' even, a warning that tells one to stay away? Do you curse yourself, Johnny, to walk alone and deal with pain that may be an illusion but still scars you? How do you know, that you can truly manage the pain? Have... Have you let anyone else inside your heart? Since your mother's death perhaps, what led you to the silent and pain filled life that you lead now? Or is it even pain filled?

Your such a miasma Johnny, the chasms of your mind, they intrigue me.

_So please, please, please go...  
I'm not strong enough to say no,  
Please, please don't stay...!  
I'm not man enough to walk away,  
Please, please pass by...!  
I can't resist you even though I try!  
So please go, I'm not strong to say no... _

Whether this means anything, whether you truly have let anyone into your heart or mind, I am going to figure you out, Johnny Wolfe.

X

Johnny's POV

X

I stumbled up the stairs, trying to get away from him, he had already hurt me horribly, I had a limp, a cut on my cheek, my back was numb and painfilled to an extent that I don't even _want_ to know what it looks like. It hurts. Every cut on my body burns in such a way that I can barely focus on where my feet land.

He grabbed me.

I kicked him.

He cut me.

I cursed at him.

"Damn you!"

My breath was ragged, I'd lost so much blood I couldn't register whether it was myself or him that had cursed. He finally got a good hold on me, and squeezed me so roughly that I cried out (A/N: Damn that sounds dirty. Curse my perverted mind) and began to thrash. He wasn't that drunk, he didn't have that many weaknesses, his hold tightened and I felt bones beginning to crack. I cried out again, and, satisfied, he threw me down on the ground (A/N: Damn it!) and made sure to step on me one last time as a "parting gift."

As I struggled to get up, I felt the pain that in my wrist from, what- yesterday? I bit back the pain and felt a small stream of blood trickle out of the side of my mouth and down my chin. Whimpering, I forced my body to get up, and go inside my own room. Cursing _him_, for he had stolen back the key to my mother's room, I entered my room. I undressed to see what the damage was and how severe the cuts were. The mirror in my room only showed waist up, so I went to the bathroom, after wincing at my reflection.

And for a moment, I stood still, a sudden racking pain sending spasms through my body, and I resisted the urge to double over. When the wave of pain was over, I rose and went into the bathroom and quickly when to the medicine cabinet and grabbed the bottle of painkillers. Two. That's all that were left. Damn, that'll only last me a few hours. I'll only take one. Just one. No matter how much it hurts, I'll only take one.

After I took my pill, I placed my hands on the sink, and hunched over, trying to catch my breath. I wiped my bloody mouth, but it did me no good. The stream came back. I turned around to grab the first aid kit that I kept close at hand, but froze as I saw what was reflected in the mirror on the door. A puddle of blood. With two foot prints protruding on the light carpet.

"Is... Is all that my blood?" I asked, my voice hoarse. "Oh god..." I felt a tear run down my cheek.

"Mom would be so ashamed... I'm hideous..."

My stomach growled.

"Not you again," I murmured. "I hate you. You got in trouble the first time, because you did that, and there is no way,in_ Hell_, that I am going back down there for _you_."

Obviously, there was no response.

I groaned, and began tending to my cuts. Wrapping them, using the dreaded achohol on them, which really hurt, mind you. After I was done, I grabbed a pair of boxers and put them on, then a pair of jeans. I was going out. I... I was right... I couldn't do this. I couldn't handle this pain, but who was there to care about me?

I need help... But who to turn to?

But my thoughts were cut off as I felt someone grab me from the neck, and throw me down the stairs. My wounds... They're reopening... "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU BITCH!" I rolled away as as vase was thrown towards me, aiming for my head. I had no time to grab a jacket, but merely ran out.

It was raining, at least the celebrations of the Fourth of July should pretty much be over. That way... That way, no one will see me. Not like this. I felt blood on my back, I felt blood on my jeans... Just... Blood...Everywhere... I stumbled along, thoughts running through my head, pain throughout my body happily making itself apparent.

I need help...

I need to get away...

Get away from him...

Get away from the pain...

I know what I have to do...

I'm not strong enough...

I saw a house come into view, and I knew, I was home.

X

PetPetAngel: Phew! Done! I was worried that it wouldn't be long enough when I was on, like, my fifth page, but, actually, this is the longest chapter yet! **_I owe a big thank you to Rikugurl and Yaoi Rox Me Sox, because, Yaoi gave me my inspiration to finish this chapter when I was only on about page four, and to Rikusgurl because she gave me inspiration to illustrate this chap which you has hopeflly been accepted onto FAC! Thankies! (huggles you both)_**

Trespasser: (shifting on feet) You done yet?

PetPetAngel: Yeah, why?

Trespasser: Because I HATE mushy scenes. They make me uncomfortable.

PetPetAngel: Right!

Ja Ne!


	5. DJ: Incomplete

PetPetAngel: Sorry it took so long to get up, I guess I've been tired. I hope you like it anyway, and there's nothing else much to say.

Rab: You heard her, go read now, NOW.

Johnny: Why are you still reading this, she said read the story. (pouts)

Rab: (kisses said pout away)

X

Disclaimer: I do not own _Johnny Tremain._

X

Warnings: Yaoi/Slash/Shounen-ai, (though that ain't much of a warning) Violence and Abuse in later chapters.

X

Dear Journal

Written by:

PetPetAngel

X

Fic Type: Multiple chapter story with some Songs stuck in.

Rating: Rated T

Dedication: Rikusgurl, Yaoi Rox Me Sox,

Pairing: Johnny x Rab

X

Key

"Blah"

_Blah_ - Emphasis, Dream, or Flashback

X

Date: July 4, 2004

Rab Cogan

Entry: ThreeX

Dear Journal,

The fourth of July was nice this year. My Aunt Jenifer and Uncle Lorne were still here though, so I had to be careful. Why, you might ask? Because my aunt and uncle care so much about me, that it's almost rediculous. If I cut my finger upstairs, or listen to even the wrong music, Aunt Jenifer will usually rush up here so fast and ask me what was wrong or if something was wrong because I might've been listening to some sort of depressing music.

To say the least, I get kinda annoyed, even though they're just looking out for my better good. But it truly is... I don't know. But I know one thing: I wouldn't trade 'em for the world. Yeah, yeah, I already _know_ that sounds corny, but it's the god's honest truth.

But hey, you win some, you lose some.

Well, I gotta go, homework awaits. (It's amazing I can get it done, but the Webb twins went away for the Fourth of July.) (Did you know that, when they say, out of sight out of mind, it really works?)

X

Rab's POV

X

I remembered it so much as a nightmare, Sunday, I was finishing homework when my mother let out a shrill shriek of "Johnny!" Sending the myself into part curiousity and part dread. I could still hear her fussings, and I remembered standing at the head of the stairs, mouth parted as I stared in horror at my friend who seemed well intent on getting to me; and me alone. I rushed down the stairs, catching Johnny as he stumbled into me.

He looked horrible. Cuts were apparent on his chest; which was pale and bare, his breathing was irratic and ragged. "Johnny..." I whispered, as I held him close, feeling how cold he was despite the warmness of the weather. "Why did you keep it all a secret? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't I help you?" My own breathing had become uneven, due to my own raging emotions.

"Rab..." He whimpered, his breath tickling my ear.

"Don't speak," my mom said.

My Uncle and Aunt came upstairs, and my aunt took one good look at Johnny and said: "Maybe we should go."

"No you don't!" I exclaimed. "Uncle, you were a Doctor right?" He nodded, and his eyes widened in realization. He looked at my aunt, and whispered something in her ear, and she nodded. She rushed upstairs in my room, and ushered me to follow her. I lifted Johnny into my arms bridal style, which earned me a strangled yelp, and I quickly quieted him. "Don't worry Johnny... You have to trust me right now... Do you trust me?"

A swift nod was all I got as Johnny clutched my clothing. I quickly followed my aunt upstairs and laid him gently on my bed, and after I was done, sitting on the other side of him. My uncle came upstairs with a few cloths and a few bottles. He was going to tend to the wounds. "Rab, I'm going to need your hands."

I nodded, and leaned over Johnny. My Uncle had been a doctor, Doctor Warren. He took his hands, and ran them over the bandages that Johnny had placed, assumably, and removed them.

I took them from him, and rested my eyes on Johnny's now completely bare chest, and winced. Bruises of all colors, black and blue for the recent ones, yellow and green for the healing bruises. Wherever there wasn't a bruise or a cut, the skin was deathly pale. "Johnny," I whispered. My uncle took his hands, and once again placed his hands over Johnny's form, running his hands up and down the marred flesh.

Occasionally, he would press down, and Johnny would sometimes let out something that followed along with a whimper and and a groan. "How did you receive these wounds," my mother asked.

Johnny opened his eyes, and looked around the room, before letting out a breathy sigh. "My dad... He did it..." And the eyes closed again, and I thought that he was going to cry, from the emotional pain of it all, so I placed a hand on his shoulder. It didn't do much, but I felt him relax, even through the choking silence in the room.

"Why... Why didn't you tell me," I couldn't help but ask. "Why did you keep it a secret?" I felt him tense under my hand again, and he opened he eyes and looked at me, with an expression of such pain, remorse, and sheer agony even, that I regretted it. But the question had to have been asked, and someone would've asked it eventually. Silence.

"It... It was normal... The pain... There... It wasn't cruel or unfair... It was life."

I closed my eyes, and took a shaky breath. Normal... Normal to be hated... To be fated to telling only lies... Nothing that he felt, could show through... To live a life where being hurt, beaten, every day, is normal... I shivered involuntarily. Johnny noticed, and smiled. "Your dad doesn't work, does he?"

Johnny shook his head no. "So you support yourself?"

Johnny inclined his head almost unnoticibly.

"What of your mother? Does she drink too?"

Johnny's head snapped up to look at my mom, who had asked the question. "No!"

"Mom..." I started softly, looking at Johnny for approval. "Johnny's mother was murdered... And raped..."

"By my dad," Johnny added. I looked at him with eyes wide with disbelief.

"When I was five... I remember that I was home... Dad was mad at me for some reason... He wasn't drunk though... Not then... I was upset because I didn't know where she was... And I was _always_ with her... He told for me to go out and look for her... So I did. When I came back..." His voice wavered, and I placed my hand over his mouth, silencing him. He nodded, and I removed my hand.

"After he had killed her... All he said was... 'Don't cry. I'll wash my hands... We'll start a new life...' And I was still crying... Then he said, 'Why are you so upset? I said I'll wash my hands... It was merely a... A bloody valentine present to myself, nothing to upset you little one.'"

He shuddered.

Silence reigned as my uncle continued to tend to his wounds. "Now the hard part. The hydrogen peroxide solution." Johnny eyed the bottle precariously. "Yeah, yeah, I know, it's evil, probably to you especially, and with the cut you have on your stomach-" Johnny cut him off with a groan. "Exactly." As he got the cloth ready, I watched Johnny's squirming figure. "I must request you do not scream," my uncle said.

"I've done it to myself before, and I'm pretty sure I didn't scream. But I'll try."

As my uncle placed the cloth on the smaller wounds, there was nothing but a twitch or too from Johnny, which my uncle praised him for. But when we came to the largest cut, Johnny stiffened and steeled himself. As my uncle placed the cloth and held it for a few moments to Johnny's stomach, Johnny mad a choked cound of pain and tried to curl in on himself, but a startled call of "Rab!" Told me I had to stop him.

I gently coaxed his arms away from his form, and pulled him slightly to me. Johnny was biting his lip, hands clenching and unclenching the sheets painfully. As I watched his hands, I never realized as my own hand went out to grab one of his. At first, I had merely placed my hand on top of his, then entwined our figers, his hand still twitching slightly even in my grasp. What felt like all to soon, though for Johnny probably an eternity later, my uncle was done and I let go of his hand, surprised when I acknowledged that I missed the prescence of his hand in mine.

"Now for bandaging! The least painful part of this process! Rab, you've seen me bandage things before, right?" I nodded. "Do you think you could do that for me then?" I inclined my head, and as he padded down the stairs, I heard him murmuring, "I need a nap!" My mom suddenly sprang up, talking about how everyone must be hungry. My aunt waddled after her - for she was tiny footed and too plump - and off she went, leaving Johnny and myself alone.

Silently, I wrapped Johnny's wounds, himself leaning against me, when I thought came to mind, "What about your legs?" He looked back at me and declined his head.

"My dad tried to avoid my legs so that I could walk correctly."

"But you've had limps."

"My dad for ya." I winced.

When I was done bandanging him, I sighed, and he asked quietly. "Rab...?"

"Hmmm...?"

"What am I supposed to wear?" When I looked back at him, the blush on his face was bright. I don't think he's ever looked more adorable.

"Um..." I paused. "We can talk about that later. We can go downstairs." Then a thought struck me. "Can you walk?" He shrugged and sat on the bed, then slowly, very slowly, propelled himself off the bed. He sucked in a breath as weight was added to his feet, his posture stumbling and I went forward to steady him. As he fell partially into my arms, and nearly crumbled, I made a mad dash to grab him.

Grabbing his arm lightly, careful not to bruise him further, I brought him up and then grasped his hand in mine, and slung his arm over my shoulder. It took us a moment to steady ourselves, but we managed. "Don't hurt yourself..." I felt a nod, for his head was placed in the crevice of my neck. When I heard him whimper, I asked softly, "Is something wrong?" Stubbornly he shook his head no, and I didn't have the heart to argue with him.

As we hobbled down the stairs, I smelled food, mixed with, what-? Something... Going downstairs, my uncle jumped up and grabbed Johnny's hands, pushing him down on the couch. Johnny let out something like a half-yell half-whimper, and pulled his legs to his chest, squeezing his eyes tightly shut.

"Yamete kudasai... Onegai shimasu... Iie!"

"Stop it!" Yelled my aunt, understanding what he said, as well did I. "You're scaring him to death!"

My uncle immediately stopped, and stared at Johnny. A horrible realization came to mind and I observed the position my uncle and Johnny were in. My uncle had forced Johnny's hands to be pinned above his head, and Johnny had yet to open his eyes. After a moment of deafening silence, Johnny creaked his eyes open, and I saw the fear in his eyes. Oh god, Johnny... Please tell me what I think this means is wrong... Please.

"Johnny...?" He groaned and closed his eyes, and put his legs back on the ground hesitantly. "It's alright Johnny... Shinpai shinaide." I thought about my next words. "He wasn't gonna try anything." His eyes shot open and he looked at me with a look of horror on his face.

"That obvious?" He whispered.

"No. Just in this scenario. Don't worry, it's fine." He nodded, and looked towards my uncle, who looked down shamefully.

"It's alright Uncle Lorne. You didn't know." His head snapped up, and I saw his eyes soften. He nodded.

"Just be careful moving around," he said softly. "We don't need you to reopen your wounds." Johnny nodded and smiled happily.

"Daijoubu!" He chirped. "Oh, sorry. Japanese."

"I know." I said. "I speak some as well," I continued. "And so does my aunt. My uncle doesn't know a word of it though." My uncle let out an undignified "Hey!" But I ignored it. "That's how we knew, besides other reasons, that you wanted him to stop. Yamete. Hai?"

"Hai."

My mother made her prescence noticed at that time, walking in with a bunch of cookies, giving us each one and then rushing back into the kitchen. Johnny nibbled on his cookie, and I asked, "You don't like it?"

"No! It's not that! It's just... My stomach is in knots..." I 'oh'ed and finished my cookies, then looked at the clock. Twelve ten. Hmmm... As if on cue for my next question, Johnny yawned. "Maybe you should go to bed. Maybe w-" I stopped myself from saying 'we,' because that would mean Johnny and I. I tried not to blush. "-all of us should go to sleep. It's been a long night."

"You're right. I think we should at least get ready for bed. Johnny, you don't mind wearing some of Rab's clothes, right?"

He blushed. "I don't have much choice... But no, I don't mind _too_ much... But Rab's..." He paused, "Broader that me, how will his stuff fit?" My mother smiled at him.

"We'll figure something out. Hmm, Rab, you have to come too." I nodded and carefully helped Johnny up again. Again, he almost fell forward, and I caught him swiftly. Walking up the stairs, I saw my mother give us one of her veiled sweet glances. As we got into my room, I set Johnny carefully on the bed, and then sat down next to him.

My mother began digging through my drawers, trying to find something that would fit Johnny. Shorts, shirts, socks, everything was thrown on the floor. Johnny didn't seem to notice my mother's strange behaviour, either that or he just didn't mind. My mom let out a sound of delight as she threw a shirt and an old pair of shorts at me. Johnny seemed to break out of his trance, and my mom grabbed the stuff from me and shook Johnny's shoulder.

"Here," she said. "You can change in the bathroom, right down the hall." She paused, "Do you need help changing?" Johnny blushed and mumbled, embarrassed.

"N-no, I think I'll manage." He smiled at her and I saw her smile a small smile that was reserved for only those she had a personal liking to; a close bond with.

"Alright," she said, "Here, let me help you."

"No... No, it's alright. I think I've gotten used to this 'walking' business." The air quotes he used made my mom chuckle. As he stumbled out of the room, I heard my mom sigh. I was about to inquire when she began speaking.

"He has a wounded heart, and a wounded soul Rab. Johnny's been through more than most adults have, without the experiance. Imagine Rab, witnessing a murder at only five years old. Five years! His heart needs to be mended, Rab. And I think you're the only one he's let in so far."

"Let in?"

"Let in. Do you think he would stumble to just anybody's home? He trusts us, Rab. He trusts you. You shouldn't let him escape from you." I sighed, and whispered.

"I know."

Johnny walked into the room. The pants we had offered had to work hard to stay on Johnny's slim sides, and the shirt hung off one shoulder. The blush on his face said something that we didn't know, and I never thought that someone, anyone, could look so delectable. My mom 'aww'ed, causing Johnny's blush to deepen to a bright red, the blush spreading to the very tips of his ears.

"Well, get into bed now," my mom said. Johnny gestured to my bed, and my mom nodded, smiling. Johnny made a move to argue, but she said: "Yes, I know that is Rab's bed. Trust me, he'll survive." Johnny looked skeptic, but scurried over to the bed, and pulled back the covers. Settling himself in the bed, he went to pull up the blankets, but my mom beat him to it. "Rest now," she said. "I would think you'd need it." He nodded and gave me one last look, before turning away from me and curling in on himself.

My mom sat there until she saw his eyes close, then wiped away a strand of hair that had fallen into Johnny's eyes. I grabbed my journal and left the room, heading downstairs into the living room where my uncle was snoozing, and my aunt had fallen asleep in the middle of her stitching. I sat on the couch and drew my legs to me, and opened my journal.

X

Dear Journal,

Geez, long day. Never would've expected any of it, even though I had my suspicions. But man oh man, Johnny's father tried to RAPE him god dammit, what other proof do you need? I'm just surprised that I haven't called the cops yet, and that my mother hasn't even TRIED. But we will, if Johnny wants us to.

But I really hope that Johnny will be okay with some good ol' TLC. I mean, I don't think I could ever really recover from what Johnny's been through, but Johnny's so damn unpredictable, I can't even assume anything. I can't help but wonder what's going on with my heart and my emotions, I don't need my emotions acting up in a situation like this; he doesn't need anymore pressure.

And neither do I.

Any new things and I'm sure my head will explode.

Frankly, no matter how happy that would make the Webb Twins, I'm not particularly looking forward to it.

Well, I'm getting tired, so TTYL.

X

I yawned and walked upstairs, grabbing a shirt and shorts, changing in the bathroom, as I observed my shirt and chuckled to myself. It had been a shirt that my mom had bought me, and it said: 'I have a fanclub... Do you?' The first time I wore, damn, the jocks got so pissed off at me cause eyes were all over me. I had one hell of a laugh after that.

Walking back into my room, I felt my heart melt and a smile spread across my face at the scene before me. It showed Johnny, who was finally resting peacefully, (God finally acknowledged that he needed it) clutching the small plushie that my mother had sewn for me when I was younger. Johnny looked so innocent then, I almost felt like glomping him, but chose to pull a chair beside his side of the bed instead.

Sitting next to Johnny, I grabbed my CD player, (I had changed the CD, no need to get more confused with my already fried emotions) and listened carefully.

_"Empty spaces fill me up with holes,  
Distant faces with no place left to go...  
Without you within me I can't find no rest,  
Where I'm going is anybody's guess..."  
_  
I was unfamiliar with the lyrics, but they seemed familiar to me, like they had something to do with me. Like they applied to my life, even though I didn't quite know how. I felt like I had lived them somehow...

_"I've tried to go on like I never knew you...  
I'm awake but my world is half asleep...  
I pray for this heart to be unbroken,  
But without you all I'm going to be is:  
Incomplete..."_

And I clutched my head as it began hurting, different images flashing before my eyes, just like when I first met Johnny, only more intense, more emotional, and more personal.

The image that flashed first was that of Johnny, (or what looked kinda like him, though younger) who was clutching a dock's leg, and I noticed there were tear stains on his face. I felt like asking him but a different form of me, came up above the dock. "Johnny?" Came his duplicate's voice.

My ears couldn't listen. I could only stare. But after a while, a different image appeared. Music still filtered through my current state, and I heard, believe me, I heard.

_"Voices tell me I should carry on,  
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone...  
Baby, my baby,  
It's written on your face,  
You still wonder if we made a big mistake... _

"I've tried to go on like I never knew you...  
I'm awake but my world is half asleep...  
I pray for this heart to be unbroken,  
But without you all I'm going to be is:  
Incomplete..."

The image that appeared showed my duplicate and Johnny in a room, and from the looks of it, it looked like I was leaving. But that image didn't stay long, then it showed my, along with a groups of other men; some looked like farmers; artisans, and I was confused. I stood tall and bold, but strangly, in my eyes there was fear. My shoulders were squared and my chin high, gun clenched in my hand.

Oh god...

_"I don't mean to drag it on, but I can't seem to let you go...!  
I don't wanna make you face this world alone...  
I wanna let you go (alone)..."_

The next image showed me lying in a tavern, my hands were pale, my face worse, I was thin and there were shadows under my eyes. I heard my duplicate murmur, "Johnny... I... I enjoyed the fight... But who is there by your side...? Who fights for you...?" And my head fell back and my eyes shut slowly, my last breath.

"Johnny... I love you..." I choked and reached a hand out trying to grab something that wasn't there, then went deathly still.

I snapped back to reality, breathing hard and sweat on my face. Still, lyrics ehoed in my ears, bringing back the reality of the- what? Dreams...? Visions? I wiped my face with my arm, and looked at Johnny, who still sat contented on the bed. He was holding my hand, which, despite how strange it was, offered quite a bit of assurance. I began whispering to him, my breath still uneven.

"Whatever idiotic mistake, that that dream me made, I'm not going to make the same mistake. And I will not leave you... I will stay by you, until you send me away... Oh god, Johnny... Things are just... Oi..."

"_I've tried to go on like I never knew you...  
I'm awake but my world is half asleep...  
I pray for this heart to be unbroken,  
But without you all I'm going to be is:  
Incomplete...  
_  
_"Incomplete..."_

With that I laid my head down, aware that I think it hit Johnny's stomach, but I was comfortable, somehow, so I stayed still and closed my eyes, still holding Johnny's hand.

"I love you Johnny..."

X

PetPetAngel: Bad and corny ending, I know. My finger is seriously irritating me, and it still hurts, but I promised Yaoi Rox Me Sox that I would have the chap up today, no matter what the hell is wrong with my finger. **_So I hoped you liked it, I don't personally think it's one of my personal best, so if you decide you don't want to keep reading, I'll survive._**

Love you both to smithereens, and your smithereens to-

You get the point.

Take care!

PetPetAngel


	6. DJ: Dance with my Father

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PetPetAngel: And... After a decade, here it is, in all it's really sucky glory! This, is what you get, when you are sick as a dog. Damn it sucks being sick, my mom won't let me out of the house, at ALL, she won't feed me anything BUT soup, and I'm sick of being sick. (Pun intended.)

Tespasser: There is no such thing as a 'good pun.'

PetPetAngel: I said it was intentional, not 'good.'

Trespasser: And I'm stating for the fact of stating, NOT because of your crappy pun!

PetPetAngel: Humph...

Rab and Johnny: (sweatdrops) We are surrounded by. IDIOTS.

X

Disclaimer: I do not own _Johnny Tremain_ or _Dance with my Father._

X

Warnings: Yaoi/Slash/Shounen-ai, (though that ain't much of a warning) Violence and Abuse in later chapters.

X

Dear Journal

Written by:

PetPetAngel

X

Fic Type: Multiple chapter story with some Songs stuck in.

Rating: Rated T

Dedication: Rikusgurl, Yaoi Rox Me Sox,

Pairing: Johnny x Rab

X

Key

"Blah"

_Blah_ - Emphasis, Dream, or Flashback

X

Date: July 4, 2004

Johnny Wolfe

Date: Sunday; 9:30 AM

X

X

Rab's POV

X

_I stared at the table in front of me, where, what the-? John Hancock? Sam Adams? Paul Revere? Johnny! I sighed but ignored my confusion, and Johnny looked at me for a moment, sparing me a minor glance. A man who I didn't know, but resembled Uncle Warren far too much for comfort, was pacing the room. _

"Now repeat yourself, Johnny," Paul Revere told him, and I stared at Johnny.

"The children, about age seven to seventeen, 'bout thirty of them, they're planning a rebellion to get some of the gunpowder at Cambridge-"

"What gunpowder at Cambridge?"

"We think some Tories have snuck in some gunpowder. If we can put ourselves in the right place, that is, the right costume, we could manage to sneak up there. Indians are our guess, considering that the British have Native American allies. It's actually not that hard. Our only problem is getting from Point A to Point B. Since Goblin's the only Yankee horse at the Queen, and since I ride him regularly for the Observer, it would be suspicious if I were to borrow horses when I didn't really need them."

"You really have thought this through, haven't you?"

"I wasn't kidding when I said they were planning a rebellion."

"I take it you're part of it?"

"Part of it? I'm **leading** it."

Mr. Hancock gaped at Johnny, making a good impression of a fish, but I held in my chuckles and waited expectantly. "You? Leading it? That's crazy! That's suicide for those other kids! Let me talk to-"

I cut him off. "Sorry for interrupting you, but on the contrary, I think Johnny would make a wonderful leader." There was a certain fierceness behind my voice that startled both of us, seemingly more so him than myself. Johnny looked at me with wide eyes, and mouthed to me: 'You do?' And I nodded. "Why wouldn't you?"

"It's just... I thought... With my hand, you wouldn't let me." I almost felt like questioning, but did not, for I knew it was unwise and would probably get me a few strange stares.

"Never mind your hand. It doesn't effect your leadership, Johnny. You're a bold fellow Johnny Tremain." I was surprised by my own words, but luckily I've read that book enough to know how my chacter acts, so... 'Yay' on one part. Slowly, a smile spread on Johnny's face, it was a small smile, but meaningful and heartfelt.

I smiled back.

X

From the next two days, I was able to gain experiance of what Rab in Johnny Tremain's world, was really supposed to act like. Rab's character was a 'true Sillsbee of Lexington' and people expected it as such. The Webb twins were far less lethal in Johnny Tremain's world, versus the future us. Luckily, whenever I had absoulutely no idea what I was supposed to do, or how to do it, the knowledge seemed to pop right into mind.

As least I knew enough as not to be questioned.

Or so I hoped.

The day finally came when we went to Lexington, where Johnny had informed us his 'troop' would be dropping off the gunpowder. All day it took, and all day I was worried about Johnny. My mind couldn't seem to do anything but think of all the bad things that could happen to him. We were riding in Mr. Hancock's coach, which was kind of unsettling, considering I didn't quite like him; he bellittled Johnny's abilities, which annoyed me to no end.

_When we arrived at Lexington, several people came over to greet me, along with the rest of us of course, and I was kind of at a loss for words. At least my mind told me about who everyone was so I didn't make a fool at of myself. "No dancing this time, Rab. None this time," the boy beside me said. I nodded, not quite able to form words. "How's that 'Johnny' fellow you've talked about, how's he doing?" _

"He's doing alright."

"He got any place in all this?"

"Yeah. He's leading it."

"Why, you must be worried sick."

"Why would I be?"

"Seeing as you fancy him so, I would've thought that you would be worried, arent't you Rab? You must admit it, must indeed. Your body is stiff, and you can't relax. Your face is worry-stricken. You fancy him."

"I do not 'fancy' him," I retorted, though I felt rather like I was lying to myself, because I did have a bit of a forming crush on Johnny, from my time anyway. Getting too attached to people here would be dangerous. I remained silent after that, and so did he, until finally he said:

"I don't think you should lie to yourself like that. Rab, this Johnny fellow is a good person, he puts others before himself and fights for the right cause. And even though he rather not have you go to fight the British, he still supports you, Rab! Do you know how hard it is to find someone support you so wholly when what they're supporting isn't what they want for you!

"Johnny's really afraid for you Rab! And even if you aren't, he is! He's afraid that you're going to die out there! He's afraid that you'll lose the fight! Rab, he's really scared. He doesn't want to tell you, but that night, when he came for the first time to Grandsire's barn, when he was sitting aside, he was crying! How can you do that to a person, Rab! How!"

"I... I didn't know."

"Obviously. Just... Just ease up on him a bit." I nodded, and said quietly.

"I feel bad that I dud that to him. I care about him and I never knew I caused a problem. If I had known I would have sought it out already. I'm sorry to hear that I'm hurting him like that, I... I didn't know..."

"Hey, don't go getting on yourself like that. You didn't know, but now you do! Now, you can make the difference! Now... Now... Well you know what to do Rab. I feel strange giving you advice, especially when you already know what to do."

And he walked away, leaving me to my thoughts.

_X _

I don't think I've ever seen anyone grinning the way I did when I saw Johnny, riding on Goblin, with about thirty kids behind him, pockets stuffed with gunpowder. He rode in at a trot, stopping right in front of us. The others followed close by, grinning and laughing. Mr. Adams gave Johnny a stern look, and questioned Johnny with his eyes.

"Success! It **actually** worked!" And he grinned at me, and I smiled back. He strted laughing, and even though he looked rediculous, with soot spread all over his face, and paint as well, I don't think I've ever seen him so happy. "I can't believe that it worked! It worked!" A boy who looked about seventeen rode up beside Johnny, and gave him a victory sign.

"Great job! I would've died talking to Gage that long! I mean geez, if I hadn't throttled him first for bad-mouthing you!"

"Sacrifices Tom, sacrifices." Then he turned his head to me, "Rab, have you seen Jim?" I declined my head and he sighed, mumbling. "Probably fell asleep, knowing him, anyway." He jumped off Goblin, who gave a curious glance with his glassy blue eyes, and made a move to nuzzle Johnny. Johnny gave me a look and I went forward and occupied Goblin, leading a few other riders with me to the stable a short ways away.

_I sighed and closed my eyes briefly, as the wind struck me._

_X_

_Later that night, when we had returned to Boston, still in Mr. Hancock's coach, Johnny had fallen asleep against me. Mr. Adams was smiling fondly at us, and murmured to me: "He must really be tired. The rebellion took up his whole day." I nodded, and Mr. Hancock snorted. _

"If we had let adults do it, we wouldn't have a tired horseboy riding tomorrow with a precarious amount of sleep." His arms were crossed and legs as well, and I glared at him. Mr. Adams spoke before I could get a word in edgewise.

"I think it's quite incredible, unbelievable, even, Mr. Hancock. I mean, they're only children, but, they're gonna do something about what they like and don't like. I will never forget what that one boy told me, 'We may be children, and it may be that no one listens to us, but we have political opinions, and we're not afraid to do what we think is right.'" Mr. Adams closed his eyes and sighed before continuing.

"'All the children around you Mr. Adams, they sacrifice what they have and what they can't afford to lose for what the same thing you're fighting for. Remember, we're always in the shadows, we're silent helpers.' I couldn't believe it. The boy's name was Christopher. He was young, maybe seven or so, he had dark lazy eyes and dark hair, he was very informal, but wise. It was... These children had managed to form an alliance with each other, put their differences aside all to fight for our greater good. They're not going to wait until the fight is over, and they're not waiting for the army to let them in, they're fighting, here and now.

"I think it's quite incredible."

Then there was silence, and eventually, I nodded off.

I later felt Mr. Adams shaking my shoulder, and I awoke to his smiling face. "You're at the Observer, Rab." I nodded and guiltily woke up Johnny, who looked somewhere between peeved and ready to throttle someone for waking him up.

"Home," I said.

He nodded, "Home." Apparently, he was only prepared for the 'Me Tarzan. You Jane,' type of speech. As we walked inside, Uncle Lorne and Aunt Jenifer greeted us, Aunt Jenifer hugged Johnny tightly, gushing about how proud she was of him, and Uncle Lorne gave him a pat on the back. Once all the formalities were over, Johnny and I went to the attic, changed in silence. I was always alarmed to see the scars on Johnny's back, even though he never spoke of them.

_I kind of figured it had something to do with the future. _

As we laid in bed, I said quietly, "Johnny...? You still awake?"

"...Yeah..." Came the sleepy reply.

"Good job today... I was proud of you..."

"...Thanks a lot, Rab... ...That means a lot to me..."

"Goodnight."

_"...Night..." _

X

My eyes fluttered open gently, and I groaned. I closed my eyes again against the bright light, and relished in the feeling of hands running through my hair, that had obviously come loose over the night. A hand was holding mine, my pillow was moving...

Wait a second- moving!

Then I realized that my 'pillow' wasn't an actual pillow at all. My 'pillow' had another name, AKA Johnny's stomach. I opened my eyes and slowly untangled my fingers from his, and removed his hand from my hair, getting up slowly as not to disturb him. He was still breathing gently as I rose up, and I padded softly downstairs, smiling softly to myself.

As I appeared from the steps, I walked into the livingroom, and sat on the couch, where everyone proceeded to stare at me openly. I ignored them for a moment, and then my mom finally asked me: "How did you sleep dear?"

"I slept... Well, I was comfortable."

My mom gave my aunt a veiled sweet glance, and I heard feet thumping on their way down the stairs. Johnny came into view and I smiled a good morning to him, and he gave a weak wave and plopped ungracefully (if there is such a graceful way to plop) next to me. "Mornin' sleepy-head," I said, ruffling his hair playfully. He looked at me and stuck his tongue out. I raised my hands in mock surrender, and, quite randomly, he poked me. (A/N: I do that sometimes. You know, just... Poke people.)

In a matter of minutes, breakfast was being made and the morning routine (plus Johnny of course) began. In my room, Johnny and I had troubles finding out what he was going to wear. Nothing of mine seemed to fit. "I'll have to go back home and get some of my stuff." I looked at him with incredulous stare.

"Go back? There? Are you crazy!"

"Probably," he said, not looking at me. I walked over to him, and lifted his chin to look at me.

As he looked up, there were tears in his eyes. My heart fell and I cupped his face softly. "You're still afraid of him, aren't you?" When he didn't respond, I gently wiped the strands of hair out of his face, and wiped his eyes with my thumb. "It's alright, Johnny. It's alright.You know I would never let anything happen to you, especially by him." His bottom lip quivered as it stuck out, and he looked like he was pouting or getting ready to cry.

And finally, I couldn't help it, and leaned forward, and kissed him tenderly. I felt him gasp and I paused momentarily, until he brought his hands back to my neck, and my hesitation slowly vanished. The electricity from the small kiss, that took only seconds, but felt like years of bliss, surprised me. It brought me shockingly alive. As I pulled away, sparks still flew in our eyes, and I heard him murmur.

"Wow." I chuckled.

"Ditto." He smiled, and I said. "If you go back there to face him... I''ll be right behind you all the way." He smiled and I enveloped him into a small hug, and he rested his hand into the crevice of my neck. Whether we stayed there for seconds, minutes, hours, I didn't know, and I didn't care, I just knew it was bliss and it was right.

When we pulled apart we were both smiling like idiots, but I wasn't sure either of is cared. "Now?" He asked, and I nodded. We walked downstairs, passing by a few residents who didn't even bother asking what was going on, they just let us go. As we walked into the drearier part of town, I pulled Johnny closer to me. He made no move to move away, and we continued walking, until we came to a worn, old looking house.

As we walked inside, the dreadful smell of achohol and sex lingered in the air, and I reisisted choking slightly on the stench of it. "How do you stand it?" He shrugged nonchanlantly, and led me hesitantly upstairs, motioning for me to be quiet. "So this is home," I whispered, and he nodded, grasping my wrist. As we walked into his room, or what I assumed to be it, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

As we walked out of his room, he began chewing on his bottom lip, and his grip on my wrist slackened. As he walked to the door across the hall, he reached a hand out, but seemed reluctant to turn the knob. I grasped his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, and he smiled in thanks. As he opened the door cautiously, his eyes widened and he stopped breathing for a second. I looked in the room and winced at what I saw.

"DAD!"

Johnny ran foreward, falling to his knees in front of his fallen father, who was sitting on the ground, legs in front of him, pictures spread around him. His knuckles were bleeding, he was pale and the look on Johnny's face after he placed his head to his heart, said that he didn't have much time. "Rab! Phone! Bed! Call an ambulance! Please!" I did as he requested of me, but even as I told the person what the situation was, I was listening in on what was going on with Johnny and his father.

"Dad... What happened...? What's going on...?" Johnny choked as his father's eyes opened, and I had never, ever, seen such regret, remorse, and sadness, ever before. He smiled weakly at Johnny and said in a whispery, weak voice.

"I woke up this morning... You weren't here... I thought... I thought that... That finally... You had left me... Finally... After the same old crap... After eleven years... I looked for you... I coudln't remember... I couldn't remember whether you had left... Whether I had thrown you out... Whether you had fled though the window... And I stumbled upon these old albums..." Johnny's father chuckled softly, ending up in a brutal coughing fit.

"They were collecting dust... Johnny... I saw her... After eleven years... I finally saw her... And I saw you... And myself... And we were so happy... Why did I screw things up, Johnny? Why...?" Johnny didn't answer; his father would not let him. "She was so beautiful Johnny... So beautiful... And... And I remembered Johnny... I remembered that smile... So beautiful..." He choked again, and he began crying.

"Why...? How could I kill her, Johnny...? How...? She was so beautiful... Was she really that beautiful, Johnny...? Was she really...?" Johnny nodded. He was crying. I came up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, but he made no sign that he had noticed the gesture. There was nothing rude about this seeming neglect. "I'm going to die, Johnny... And I'm going to with you here... With her watching me... I'm going to die-"

"NO!" Johnny's shoulders were shaking. "No... I won't let you die!"

"But I deserve it...! Johnny, I've done horrible, horrible things..." He choked again.

Johnny grit his teeth. "No one deserves to die... No one... I won't let you leave me like everyone else!" As the sound of sirens came into range, Johnny said: "Rab... Help me get him up... Please... We need to get him downstairs..." I nodded and assisted him, but his father did not make it easy. Though sober, his father was incredibly weak, and focused most of his weight on us. I grunted, and seemingly, because of this, he struggled to straighten.

As we arrived downstairs, the ambulance was almost there. Johnny had wiped his tears away, even though his father had yet to. As his father was assisted onto a stretcher, Johnny st in a small chair, tears again streaming down his face. He briefly looked at me, and mouthed; 'You promised.' And I understood. I waited for him to leave, then went inside and called my parents.

"Hey mom," I started. "... I'm at Johnny's house. ... No, nothing's wrong. ... Yeah, could you come pick me up? ... Thanks. ... His father...? He was taken to the hospital. ... No, no, mom, calm down. No one was hurt. ... Will you just, please come to pick me up? ... Okay, he lives at- ... How did you know that? ...- Oh, nevermind! Just pick me up! Okay? Thanks." I sighed and waited impatiently, until I heard a horn honk.

"Please be who I think you are..."

X

The ride to the hospital was a quiet one, for which I was thankful, I was ready to snap at anyone. I really didn't know whether to be mad at Johnny's father, or not, because, seeing him on that floor, crumpled, bleeding, he was no better off than Johnny. I bit my lip as my father turned on the radio. I cursed when I heard was playing.

_"Back when I was a child,  
Before life removed all the innocence,  
My father would lift me high,  
And dance with my mother and me and then:  
Spin me around 'til I fell asleep...  
Then up the stairs he would carry me,  
And I knew for sure I was loved..."_

I cursed. "Damn it all to hell!" My mom glared at me, and mouthed, 'Watch it young man! Not in front of the twins!' I glared back but nodded, and he eyes soften, and she then mouthed to me: 'It'll be alright, don't worry.'

_"If I could get another chance, another walk,  
Another dance with him,  
I'd play a song that would never, ever end...  
How I'd love, love, love,  
To dance with my father again..."_

I sighed. "It's pointless..."

_"When I and my mother would disagree,  
To get my way, I would run from her to him,  
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me.  
Then finally make me do just what my mama said...  
Later that night when I was asleep...  
He left a dollar under my sheet,  
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me... _

"If I could steal one final glance, one final step,  
One final dance with him,  
I'd play a song that would never, ever end...  
'Cause I'd love, love, love,  
To dance with my father again...

"Sometimes I'd listen outside her door;  
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him...  
I pray for her even more than me,  
I pray for her even more than me,  
I know I'm praying for much too much...  
But could you send back the only man she loved,  
I know you don't do it usually...  
But dear Lord she's dying,  
To dance with my father again..."

Was life really like that? Before Johnny's father began drinking...? I wonder... Did Johnny's mother still love him, even after what he did to her and to Johnny...? Did she only see the man she married, and not the monster her husband was becoming...?

_"Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream..."_

I sighed and groaned, and my father turned off the radio, seconds after, for which I was grateful. We arrived at the hospital, my parents spoke to the receptionist, as I scanned the people sitting for Johnny. Ocassionally, a blonde head would stick out, but none were Johnny's. And finally, I saw him. He was sitting in his chair, knees pulled to him, face buried in them. His hair covered his face, and his shoulders were shaking.

He looked horrible. "Johnny..."

As if he had heard me, his head rose from his knees, and he looked around. When he spotted me, his eyes widened and he slowly rose. He ran to me, and hugged me tightly, sobbing, and for a moment, I had no idea what to do. I encircled him hesitantly, and rubbed the small his back comfortingly.

"I'm all alone..."

"Never."

"Don't leave me... Please..."

"Never."

X

PetPetAngel: Done. Still sick. Have no comments. My friend the Trespasser is angry with me for something. And my mom is swearing downstairs because her dog at some food that he shouldn't have. (groans) **_Why am I still alive? I honestly don't get it._**

Humph.

**_I hope you liked it!  
_**  
Ja Ne!

P.S. This is now the longest chapter.

P.S.S. **_See Leslie? I told you there would be snogging!_**


	7. DK: When You Kiss Me

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PetPetAngel: Oh... My... God... The chapter is finally done! I'm so sorry I haven't updated in like, two billion years, but I did make this chapter longer to help you out... I'm sorry... I feel very bad for making you wait for such bad writing...

Johnny: Cut the soap opera, please...

Rab: Well, you're chipper.

Johnny: Whad'ya want me to be, I nearly-

Rab: (kisses him to shush up) No spoilers, koi.

Johnny: (pouts) Alright...

X

Disclaimer: I do not own _Johnny Tremain_ or _When You Kiss Me,_ by Shania Twain.

X

Warnings: Yaoi/Slash/Shounen-ai, (though that ain't much of a warning) (YAY! THERE ISN'T A VIOLENCE WARNING ANYMORE!)

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**_To Leslie and then Rosemary:_** Do you think that Rab and Johnny could be koi-ing like Sam and Frodo? And, to Rosemary, I've got a surprise for you in this chappie.

X

Dear Journal

Written by:

PetPetAngel

X

Fic Type: Multiple chapter story with some Songs stuck in.

Rating: Rated T

Dedication: Rikusgurl, Yaoi Rox Me Sox,

Pairing: Johnny x Rab

X

Key

"Blah"

_Blah_ - Emphasis, Dream, or Flashback

X

Rab's POV

X

Quieting Johnny was not easy, he was restless, tired, stressed. For a while we merely stood there, him clutching me, and me hugging back. His shoulders shook, he was paler, he had worn himself out. Life was not treating Johnny lightly. My parents were looking at us with both a sort of happiness, but with remorse for the situation.

When he had calmed down, we both sat down and he explained the situation.

"I haven't heard anything. I'm sitting duck." He sighed, and I squeezed his shoulder lightly. He put his head in his hands and groaned. "Ugh... How am I gonna _pay_ for this?" And he let out a sound of defeat. "Oh man... I gotta perform tonight..." Just as my mother was going to say something, Cilla burst through the door gasping and panting for breath. She ran over to Johnny, who cocked an eyebrow at her, and through his misery, said: "Cilla... What are you doing here?"

Having caught her breath, she asked: "Johnny, why on earth are _you_ here?"

Suddenly very monotonous, Johnny replied: "I could and _did_ ask _you_ the same thing."

"I saw you in the back of an ambulance with someone else, who were they!"

Johnny's shoulders slumped, and he looked at the ground. Just when I thought he wasn't going to be okay, he quickly stood up and muttered, "I need some air. Follow if you want, it won't get you far." I blinked for a second. Then stood up to follow him out. Cilla stopped me.

"Didn't you hear him? He said following would do no good." She grabbed my wrist and I turned around, glaring daggers at her. She stared at me with wide eyes as I said:

"Damn it Cilla, I know Johnny better than you do and I know that, right now, he needs someone more than anything else in the world. Johnny needs help, Cilla," I said quietly, "And if your not going to help him, I sure as hell am going to." I pulled my wrist roughly from her grasp and jogged quickly over to Johnny, who had just gotten a few feet out the door.

"Johnny!" He walked a few more feet and then stopped, and turned around.

"We'll go to the park," he said quietly, and I nodded and walked beside him, almost immediately grasping his hand in mine, squeezing gently. Though he was looking at his feet, he seemed to know exactly where he was going. As we came to the park, he led me to a very secluded area, and pushed away vines which led through a small hole. When we crawled through it,I couldn't helpit andgasped.

It was like a small lake, there was even a dock there, trees shadowed most of the area, it had a very, dare I say, romantic feeling about it. Benches surrounded the lake, but Johnny sat right on the dock, dangling his feet over the edge after taking off his shoes and socks. He motioned for me to join him and I do, but while I'm at it, I pulled him into my lap.

He squeaked, but I merely tightened my grip on his waist slightly and brought him to me.

And suddenly my head pulsed. Once. Twice. I burrowed my head into his neck, and pursed my lips against the pulsing.

X

_I groaned and blinked my eyes. Oh great. I know where I am. Aunt Jenifer was in front of me, hand resting on her chest. Her eyes were worried and almost frantic. I heard talking upstairs; no, it was to panicked to be talking. I listened. Nothing. "Rab... Come, now. He's having the dream." I nodded though I did not know what was going on, and followed her form upstairs to the attic. _

"No, don't..." I heard Johnny whisper.

"Rab...?"

"He's having the dream again, quiet now, stay here, you'll hear fine." I nodded and gulped, not quite sure why I was so nervous. My aunt walked over to Johnny, and I peeked in. Johnny was shivering and shaking horribly, tossing and turning here and there. There was a look of horror on Johnny's face.

"No... I won't kill Rab... No... No...!" My eyes widened and I heard Johnny begin to cry.

"Rab?"

Once. Johnny's body shook violently, my breath was ragged. Twice. Johnny's sobs became louder, his body flinching and himself still crying out. My eyes were wide and my eyebrows furrowed, and all I was thinking was thatthat must be one hell of a nightmare. "No... I won't hurt him... No! I won't kill Rab...! No..." This time his body did not shake. It convulsed and spasmed and I became terribly numb, afraid for Johnny.

Seeing my horrified expression, my aunt went over to Johnny, and shook him gently.

"No Rab, no! NO!" He shot up and I gaped at his form. He was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, and was breathing heavily.

"Aunt Jenifer?"

"If it bothers you so much I could go talk to Rab..."

"No! Don't! You can't!"

"But you're not sleeping anymore, Johnny. You don't sleep, and I'm starting to worry about you..."

"But you can't tell Rab! You can't..." Johnny was panicked worse than I had ever seen anyone, and Aunt Jenifer was close to him.

"Would you rather he found out but himself?" Johnny then bit his lip, closed his eyes and laid pain down, shivering, or shaking, I couldn't tell. He covered his face and took a few ragged breaths, each one followed by a shaking of some sort.

"No... Don't... I don't know... I can't help it!" Aunt Jenifer looked a bit taken aback with his sudden outburst, and went to reach for him, but Johnny turned away and crawled back from her, shaking his head. "I can't help it! I'm not Rab! I'm not strong like him! I- I- I..." He trailed off, squirming, and Aunt Jenifer looked on with the most hopeless expression that I had ever seen in my life.

"You can't tell him, Aunt Jenifer! You can't! Please, don't tell Rab..." Aunt Jenifer suddenly had an understanding look which dawned on her face.

_"You don't want him to think you are weak... Weaker than he is... Do you? You don't want him to look down to you, you want him to merely see you as an equal. You don't want him to belittle you?"_

"I can't help it, Aunt Jenifer. I'm pretty sure I am an equal to him... But I think... At the same time... I'm just a stupid, naive, child. Helpless and useless. And I wish... I wish sometimes my voice meant more... Or that I wasn't here because of it. Around everyone... Mr. Adams... Mr. Hancock... Sometimes even Rab himself... I just feel so small and insignificant..."  
_  
"Oh Johnny..." Aunt Jenifer offered her open arms, and Johnny hesitated, but curled in and leaned against her. "Can I tell you something, Johnny? A secret?" Johnny nodded shortly, though I saw interest sparked in his eyes. "Rab isn't as indestructable as you think he is, Johnny. Even nowadays, Rab still has times when he falls apart. Like about you." _

Johnny looked up with wide, disbelieving, bewildered eyes. "About me?"

"Yeah. Because Rab isn't always that strong. But you think he is, you expect him to be that way. But sometimes he can't always be. And sometimes it gets to him."

"Really...?"

"Really. Now are you sure you don't want me to talk to him? Or have him talk to you about it?" Johnny closed his eyes for a moment, then he said quietly.

"Go ahead." Aunt Jenifer nodded and Johnny said hurriedly, "Aunt Jenifer..." She turned around, and very suddenly, surprising me, he hugged her. She was also surprised, but hugged back gently. "Rab's lucky to have an Aunt like you." She smiled and scurried out the room after she was released.

"Rab?"

X

Later that day, I knew what I had to do, and found Johnny outside, staring with blank eyes ahead of him. He was deep in thought, and didn't even notice when I walked up beside him. For a minute or two, I merely stared at his profile, the was the light hit him, the way that his hair blew softly in the wind, and I said softly, hoping not to startle him, "Johnny?"

Still, he jumped slightly, and looked to me with a blush staining his cheeks. "Rab...!"

"Aunt Jenifer spoke to me about a dream you had... She didn't tell me much, but she told me that it was about myself and that it was upsetting you more than it should. What is itallabout?"

"Well... It started quite a while ago... When you first really were sure tht you were going to fight..." He squirmed slightly, but my eyes told him to continue. When he did not, I spoke questioningly.

"So you are afraid of me leaving...?"

"No... Yes... But... It's... It's not that simple Rab..." Johnny leaned heavily against the ledge of the porch, looking as though if someone were about to kill him.

"Then explain it."

"I don't know how."

"Just say it like is."

Johnny took a deep breath. "Well... First of all, my hand isn't burned so like it is... And... You... **Try** to leave... But I try to stop you... And then you strike me unconscious..." My brows furrowed at the statement, eyes turning concerned. "And the next time I wake up... I'm with you, fighting... Shooting, and my vision, is like... Red..." I nodded and motioned for him to continue, but his breath was shaky and I wasn't quite that sure he could.

_"I can hear my breathing in my ears and my heart is pounding... And then I don't remember what happens... Ever.My vision blanks and there's pain and all I can see is white...Then...All I know is that I somehow... End up... Shooting you multiple times... And you end up... Dying... And... And... And..." I lifted my hand to motion him to stop talking. _

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

Johnny couldn't seem to answer that one. He was silent for a while until he finally said, "I was ashamed of it, Rab. I was ashamed that a mere nightmare could bother me so much. I was ashamed that... That..." Johnny closed his eyes and his brow furrowed, "I was ashamed that I couldn't be as strong as you... That I couldn't face and fight my fears like you could... I... I..." He smiled ruefully, and looked up at me with eyes betrayed the small, lost smile on his face. "I'm pathetic."

Though I knew very well why, I had to make him say it to me, so that he could confirm ithimself,but hearing him do so left me stunned. I had always wanted to keep Johnny away from his father, and even though this wasn't the abused Johnny that I knew so well, I felt that I had failed to protect him,for I had no idea that his fears ran so deep, were so painful for him. "Oh Johnny..."

"Please Rab... Don't feel bad for me... Don't..."

I couldn't help it, I practically felt like crying for Johnny, as I enveloped him in a tight hug, feeling him stiffen in my arms. "Rab... What-?"

"Rab!"

_"Shhhh..." I whispered into his ear, and he did so immediately. "Don't feel this way, Johnny... Don't feel that I would ever be ashamed of you. Because I never will be, in fact... To me... You're one of the strongest people I know, with your hand," I grasped it gently, and felt him flinch, but continued nonetheless, "but you keep fighting anyway, Johnny! If you think that the fight against the British will be hard for me, I feel for you as though if your life has been one...! _

"I respect you Johnny, and I care a lot about you... The next time that you feel this way, feel like you need to talk to me, please, let me know, tell me so that I can help. There is no shame in asking for help, but merely in denying you ever need it..." I turned him around to face me, and I saw his eyes searching mine. He looked a bit out of it, but he nodded slowly.

"Sure, Rab." He swallowed, "I could do that."

_"Good," I smiled at him, and he smiled hesitantly back. _

X

I opened up my eyes to see a disgruntled Johnny in my lap, and I stared at him questioningly. "You just completely spaced out for the last twenty minutes, Rab. What happened?" I blinked. And I blinked again.

I decided to tell him the whole truth. "... I dunno... I just kinda started seeing some weird things... And my head was pounding..."

"What kinda 'weird' things," he implored curiously.

"I... Well... I saw you..." He blinked at this, "And I was there too... And your hand was burned, sorta like it is now... And there was Aunt Jenifer and Uncle Lorne and-"

"Hold up, Rab. So... You're practically tellling me that you were in Johnny Tremain's Boston, and you interacted with them as Rab, right?" I blinked so many times and I thought that my eyes were going to pop out.

"How did you know- What?"

"I've read that book. It's one of the few that I have. And hearing you was like listening to a missing scene from Johnny Tremain. So... I assumed." He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, "Good guess, ne, koi?"

"Oh so _now_ you're sly, hai?"

"Hai!" He grinned at me but his smile faded and he looked at me with shining eyes, "We should go back to the hospital... Hey, wait, where's Cilla?" He stood up as we prepared to leave, taking a few steps away from me.

"She didn't want me to follow you, but I figured I should anyway. I got angry at her when she wouldn't let me go to you. And I left her with a glare." He looked at me with a look that I couldn't quite decipher, and I stared squarely back at him.

"Apologize to Cilla."

"But-"

"But nothing. She doesn't know me as much as you do. She wouldn't know what I want like you do." A sly smirk came over me, and I came closer to him, lightly pressing myself against him, feeling him stiffen. I bent down so that my mouth was right near his ear, then licked his earlobe.

"What _do_ you want?" I whispered to him. I felt him shiver, and though for a moment he did not say anything, his hands guided my fae to his, his nose brushing mine in an Eskimo-like kiss, hands already twisting into my hair.

"You." That's all it took for me to grasp onto his shirt, clutching him as he clutched me, leaning lightly against me. The kiss was no where near as tender as the first we shared, it was more needing, more wanting, more feeling. Every fear, worry, that I had, disappeared as I only focused on kissing him, making him feel how much I loved him. I was surprised when I felt a toungue massaging my lips, and I opened my mouth for him, knowing that he needed to be dominant in this.

When we parted, he was out of breath and I was sure I looked no better. "To be continued," I said. "We should leave now." Johnny's lips were thin, but he nodded to me anyway and I grasped his hand securely. "Johnny..."

"Hm...?"

"Don't let it destroy you."

"You'll be there. I won't."

"Good."

And there was silence on the way back.

X

"Johnny!"

"Cilla..."

"You're okay!"

"I will be." Cilla's mood seemed slightly dampened by this, but had she looked closer, she would've seen the spark of hope that now lingered in Johnny's eyes, which made them glow a bright blue.

"Oh dear!" Mom cried as she made her way over to Johnny, enveloping his form and hugging him carefully. "Yes... Yes... You'll be okay... You'll be fine." Johnny pushed my mom off him gently, offering him a small smile, which assured her for the time being. "The doctor spoke to us." Johnny's face fell slightly, but I placed a hand on his shoulder and he nodded to my mother to continue. "Well... He's done a number on his hands, and blood loss will keep him overnight, but other than that..."

Johnny's smiled happiply,and mom wasalready feeling betterto see him in an improvedmood.

"It'll get better," she told him.

He nodded and told her, "It won't destroy me."

And she understood.

X

Two Weeks Later

X

I watched as Johnny sat quietly in my livingroom, once again, the first one up. Buddy was curled up into his side, and he petted the dog absentmindedly, eyes far away. We had taken great care of him, his wounds healed but I knew that the pain still taunted him. Some hurts go too deep, hurt too much. Buddy by his side licked his hand, catching Johnny attention. He stared at the dog for a moment before rubbing the his stomach.

I creaked my eyes fully open, and remembered that I had fallen asleep here the night before. A blanket was wrapped comfortably around me, and I smiled as Johnny stared at Buddy. "Morning koi," he said without looking up, catching me off guard. I looked at him and crawled over to where he was sitting, and responded quietly.

"Hai. Daijoubu ka, Johnny?"

"Hai. I will be."

"Koi..."

"Nani?

"Shinpai shinaide, onegai shimasu."

"I won't worry Rab, but... I haven't seen him in a while..."

"Are you ready to?"

"I... I don't know."

Footsteps were heard on the steps, and we became quiet, Johnny still rubbing Buddy's stomach. "Morning," mom said, fully dressed. We nodded to her and she smiled at us both, eyes bright like they never had been in the past few weeks. "How did you two sleep?"

"Well," we replied in unison.

"Warm enough?" I noticed a blush grace Johnny's features, and I wondered what he knew that I didn't. But I had my assumtions.

"Yeah."

Just then, two speeding bunches flew down the stairs at unimaginable speed, one clinging to me and the other to Johnny, who was by now used to the occurance, and picked up Tommy, no, wait, Timmy, and set him in his lap. Timmy crawled behind Johnny and started pulling his hair out of the ponytail it was in, playing with the hair. Tommy was doing something similar, and though it was a strange habit for boys of any age to pick up, no one seemed to mind.

X

Later That Day

X

I stared at Johnny on the back porch, feeling like my heart was going to burst. He had barely said anything since our brief conversation that morning, and I felt bad, like I had done something to upset him, which, for the record, I probably had. Mom was out there with him, in the garden, and though I was pretty sure she knew, Johnny was watching her. Dad was in the basement, working on one thing or another, but I would see him later. The twins had gone over to a friend's house, but everyone seemed so far away.

I heard the doorbell ring, and I figured that no one else was going to get it, so I went.

Nothing would've prepared me for what I saw on the other side of that door.

"Hello... Mr. Wolfe," I said to him quietly, not wanting to give away my anger towards. He nodded to me and I saw his eyes shift, my eyes narrowing at the nervous gesture.

"Is Johnny here?" His own voice was quieter, far too gentle for the horrendous things that he had done.

"Is that really any of your business?"

"He's my son!" His voice had only raised slightly, but I had to add to his statement.

"Who you beat." He seemed at a loss for words, but the sound of feet padding on carpet stopped me from observing him. "Johnny!" I exclaimed as I whipped around. He seemed fine until his father came into the his vision, where as he stumbled back and I had near to catch him so that he didn't hurt himself. "Whoa, Johnny, careful." Johnny's father stared at him for a long while, until he said quietly.

"Hello, son." Johnny cringed in my arms, and I helped bring him back up more steadily on his feet. "Listen... I'm not going to suddenly become the father of your dreams... Lord knows I'd be amazed if you ever stopped hating me... I just want ot know what kind of position you want me to have in your life, if one at all." Johnny shivered, I could feel it on my arms which were wrapped around his waist. Johnny gulped before speaking hesitantly.

"I want you to go to an alcoholic rehab center, I want you to get a therapist. I want you to clean up the house and get rid of the bloodstains. Seeing how well that all goes, I tell you what I want you to be. Okay?"

Johnny's father made no move of protest, he merely nodded silently, and began to walk away. "And dad?" I saw Johnny's father stop moving immediately after Johnny had spoken, and his head turned around to peer at him. "Love ya." Johnny's father seemed at a loss for words, and so it would have been had he not spoken.

"Love ya too, my boy. Love ya too."

I saw tears in his eyes.

X

Later that night, Johnny had informed us that he had had to perform at a restraunt, which we all happily agreed to come with him, for we knew how well he sang. He hadn't hd time to change, for he had lost track of it, and in the car, he was showered with compliments that made him blush wonderful shades of scarlet. He hadn't told us what he was singing, he said it was a surprise for me, which of course earned me some wonderfully embarrassing comments and remarks, and the Webb twins just couldn't figure out why I was blushing.

As we arrived at the restaraunt, I was surprised to find that it was a very expensive one, it had a bar and was said to have wonderful food, so I was surprised even more so and several people came up to Johnny with a casualty that seemed so... Casual. He motioned us to follow him inside, and I saw him give few friendly waves to a few people, and was surprised beyond belief when a young girl attached herself to his leg. Not seeming in the least bit bothered, he murmured, "Rosemary H., and how would you be doing today?"

"Fine!" She chirped cheerfully.

"And how did you escape your parents this time?"

"Uh... Very, _very,_ carefully?"

"It's the best I'll get out of you. Come chibi tenshi."

"Some tenshi I must be, ne?" A grin crossed Johnny's face, and he motioned for us to follow him. Leading us to the bar, he smiled and tapped the bartender on the shoulder, who jumped and turned around, eyes wide at the sight of Rosemary. "Hey, mom?"

"Oh boy, not again, did you go in the room I told you not to go in?"

"You mean the one with all the adults doing things you said I don't know about yet?"

"Yes..."

"No."

"I... Actually think she's telling the truth," Johnny said, winking at Rosemary, who giggled. "She wasn't near there, and I thought it was mostly men?"

"Yes, yes. Thank you Johnny, who only knows what would happen if I didn't have you. But you have to be on in a few minutes, so I suggest you hurry." Johnny nodded to him, and I tapped him on the shoulder.

"Oh! Yes, Chris, give Rab and his family a seat, wherever you like. Though if it's not suitable for them..."

"Yes, yes, now scurry off now! Damn, will she be mad at you!" Johnny's eyes widened and he rushed over towards the stage, and I saw him disappear behind the curtain. "Come on," 'Chris' told us. Not really knowing the restaraunt, we followed. We had a surprisingly good seat for walking in on such short notice, and I nodded in thanks to Chris, who still had Rosemary in her arms.

Chris disappeared quite quickly, and it only actually took a lot of performances before I recognized Johnny as the one up there. There was a surprising uproar of applaud, and then suddenly silence so quiet that I could hear Johnny's boots hitting the stage, clapping as his audience did not. The music that began playing was incredibly quiet, soft, and gentle. My breath caught in my throat as Johnny began singing, his words echoing in my ears.

"_This could be it, I think I'm in love...  
It's love this time...  
It just seems to fit, I think I'm in love,  
This love is mine..."_

And I felt my heart beat, not remembering when my hand had snaked up to rest over it, breath ragged, eyes following Johnny's every movement.

_"I can see you with me when I'm older,  
All my lonely nights are finally over...  
You took the weight of the world off my  
shoulders (the world just goes away)... _

"Oh, when you kiss me,  
I know you miss me--  
and when you're with me:  
The world just goes away...  
The way you hold me...  
The way you show me that you  
adore me--oh, when you kiss me...  
Oh, yeah..."

My breath became even more uneven as Johnny left the stage, walking around the place, eyes following him as well as my own. He seemed to have captivated the crowd in that single moment, as if he was the only one who mattered there. And to me, that was exactly it...

_"You are the one, I think I'm in love...  
Life has begun,  
I can see the two of us together,  
I know I'm gonna be with you forever,  
Love couldn't be any better..."_

Johnny came closer and closer to our table, and I felt a small smile spread across my face as he sat down on the table, hand reaching for mine, his voice still clear in the silent room. "Johnny..." I murmured, and so that was all I could manage.

_"Oh, when you kiss me,  
I know you miss me--  
and when you're with me:  
The world just goes away...  
The way you hold me...  
The way you show me that you  
adore me--oh, when you kiss me...  
Oh, yeah... _

"I can see you with me when I'm older,  
All my lonely nights are finally over...  
You took the weight of the world off my  
shoulders (the world just goes away)..."

And so, Johnny began to lean in to me, seeming a bit close, his eyes were half-lidded and his breath was just as shaky as mine, much to my surprise. He looked incredible, with his chest partially heaving and I swear I hear his heart pounding from the microphone hazardly place on the collar of his shirt.

_"And when you kiss me,  
I know you miss me...  
Oh, the world just goes away...  
When you kiss me..."_

As the music softened I got the epiphamy of my life as Johnny leaned over me and kissed me chastely on the lips, the small kiss sending an incredible feeling through me that nearly left me light-headed. I was sure that there was a chorus, as well as a mental agreement of 'Awww' but I didn't notice as I stared into Johnny's glistening eyes.

How do you do this to me?

X

PetPetAngel: And so this chapter is done... I'll either have one or two more chapters, then I'm gonna see if I can get in the mood for my Yuugioh fics, and if not I'll start of the sequel that I know Rose has been waiting for. It's 2:22 in the morning and I'm tired, but I couldn't sleep because my dog isn't feeling well and my mom isn't supportive and I have this stupid retarded report that I have to work and then I felt bad for not updating and so here I am.

Rab: That was random.

Johnny: And kinda stupid. "

PetPetAngel: (huffs) Oh well! Signing of with **_fourteen damn pages_** from here in NY, goodnight folks.

X

We're all Koi-ing in a very Koi-worthy world.


End file.
